WP_Post Object
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    [ID] => 9891
    [post_author] => 15
    [post_date] => 2026-01-09 00:16:00
    [post_date_gmt] => 2026-01-09 00:16:00
    [post_content] => 

For months, I've tried to make sense of my sudden inability to write about societal collapse. Then, I found out I was pregnant.

I've been promising, and failing, since before the 2024 U.S. election to write about the world on fire, and the arsonists fanning the flames. The essay I'd had in mind was called "Don't Be Fucking Stupid About Dictatorship", a warning I’d been repeating to anyone who’d listen, that felt increasingly urgent as the months went by. There's been plenty to write about since: Just this week, the Trump administration sowed global chaos when it kidnapped Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro. Unlike Bush's invasion of Iraq, his administration didn't bother with any pretense for regime change beyond dick-swinging dominance and oil. They also don't even have a concept of a plan beyond further threats to invade Greenland, Cuba, Mexico, and Colombia. Yet still, I couldn’t get myself to write about any of it. 

This was unusual. For the last decade, I've written extensively about abusive tyrants and their destructive attempts at control. In that time, they've only gotten more brazen—enough so that arguments that used to get me accused of tin-pot hysterics have now become common sense for the same people who used to do the accusing. The U.S. is, in fact, a corrupt billionaire-backed authoritarian regime staffed by rapists and racists with imperial delusions, in league with a fanatical Supreme Court and a global network of gangster heads of state. The behemoth that is the climate crisis is real and accelerating, as monstrously strong hurricanes hit the Caribbean, and monsoon flooding across South and Southeast Asia kills thousands and displaces millions. Dehumanization continues to lead to countless atrocities: in immigrant detention camps, on Venezuelan fishing boats, for civilians in Gaza, Sudan, Congo, and Ukraine. Meanwhile, the free press is eroding worldwide, and Elon Musk, world's richest man, has killed humanitarian aid for the world's poorest people. Simultaneously, fellow techbro Sam Altman wants us to believe the same chatbots that insist there are two r’s in "strawberry" will solve all of our problems, when so far, they mostly seem to be causing psychosis in users while killing the job market, making bikini pics of children and women without their consent, and stealing people's water

In the midst of all this, I've tried to make sense of my writer’s block. Perhaps it's because I have a hard time repeating myself—my ADHD brain is wired to seek out novelty—or because it's too painful to write about societal paralysis and collapse. 

Then, eight months ago, I found out I was pregnant. 

Suddenly, I had a much better excuse for my inability to focus on all the shitheads ruining everything. But also, something far more welcome: a new surge of hope, and with it, an urge to write again, this time about something slightly different. As I write this, I’m in my third trimester, anxious and excited for my daughter’s arrival, which feels imminent. While this baby wasn't planned, she was very much wanted: I've known I wanted to have a kid ever since my mom died when I was 24. My mom had always mothered me so well, in a way even my adolescent self recognized, and when she died, I felt untethered. The only clarity I got from that awful time was that I was meant to pass on all the unconditional love she'd given me to a child of my own. 

But I also wasn’t sure how or when I’d get there. At the time, I was still stuck in abusive dynamics, and would be for years to come. Like many survivors, I had a lot of grieving and healing to do before I eventually broke the cycle. (As Philip Larkin famously wrote, "They fuck you up, your mum and dad, they may not mean to but they do.")

Luckily, I've been blessed with financial stability, which allowed me to take my time and find my way. But it still took many years of therapy, loving community, and good decisions—freezing my eggs; ending bad relationships, whether familial, romantic, platonic, or work-related; getting blessed by Buddhist monks while cradling a baby-sized wooden penis in a fertility ritual at Chimi Lhakang, the temple of the Divine Madman in Bhutan—to prepare me at forty to become a mom. 

It's a funny fact of modern life to have the old-fashioned way of doing things—meet a wonderful man, fall in love, get pregnant—be the surprise. I had an appointment booked with my fertility doctor and was set to pursue single motherhood with a sperm donor when I met my partner last fall. I joked with my friends, "The minute you light a cigarette, the bus comes." But we’ve both been grateful for the ride. 

I'm also old enough to be immersed in all the doomerism around what until recently was called "geriatric pregnancy", so I was shocked at how easily we got pregnant. (Thank you, Divine Madman of Bhutan!) It took me eight weeks to even realize what was happening—already too late in many U.S. states to make an informed decision about keeping a pregnancy. I'd chalked up the first trimester exhaustion to depression over rising fascism, and spent the night before my blood test googling "pregnancy or perimenopause?”, genuinely unsure which was to blame for making my boobs so sore. The morning after we got the results, I got an email from my fertility doctor asking how I was doing. I thanked him for checking in, and shared the fortunate news that we wouldn't be needing his help after all.

I’d been excited but daunted to undertake parenting alone, and it's been a beautiful gift to go through the process with a partner, especially someone so loving and supportive. Simultaneously, there have been so many aspects of this process that have felt out of our control, and it's scary to be bringing a little girl into a world of rising temperatures and white supremacy. The Trump regime, and RFK Jr. in particular, has a eugenicist fixation on breeding white women to produce more white babies, while simultaneously showing extreme hostility to pregnant people. Our future pediatrician needed to check we still believe in vaccines, and that we understood that Tylenol and infant formula are safe. Meanwhile, my partner was turned away from getting the recommended COVID vaccine because becoming a new parent does not qualify him under the new, absurd restrictions. 

But in the face of this, I'm also confident that our daughter will be well-loved, both by us and the village that supports us, and that we will do what we can to model a better way of life for her in our home and in our community. I hope she always feels that sense of comfort and safety with us, even as the world rages on. And I hope that the strong foundation we’re building together gives her the courage to face the challenges that we know we can't shield her from. Our daughter hit the jackpot with two parents who cannot wait to meet her and surround her with love—something she’s already repaid by kicking her dad hard in the face when he put his cheek to my belly. (He's a soccer player, and a true believer that "football is life!"; so you can imagine his delight.)

I got lucky that I could feel her little flutterkicks super early. This summer, at the beginning of my second trimester, I took a long-planned trip to Berlin with friends. I'd debated trying to get into the nightclub Berghain with them, and even got a pleather raver dress that fit my growing bump for the occasion. Baby had already attended Beyoncé’s Cowboy Carter tour with me, and stayed up to see Cardi B (also pregnant at the time!) perform at Pride, so I was tickled at the thought of us sober dancing together in a warehouse. But I ate too much schnitzel at dinner and my feet hurt, so I stayed in watching Irish murder mysteries instead; probably the wiser choice. That night, I felt little twitches in my tummy for the first time. I thought maybe I was imagining things—but I'm confident now that she was just already saying hello. 

On that same trip, I dragged my friend to the Stasi Museum, converted from their creepy former headquarters. It was easy, and terrifying, to see the parallels to the U.S.: The East German secret police's growth over time reminded me of ICE and Border Patrol's expanded reign of terror, both in terms of mission creep and surveillance techniques. Even the recruitment perks mirrored one another, though the Stasi had much higher standards for who they let in the club. Once again, I was confronted with the dichotomy of bringing new life into the world as other lives are being torn apart. 

It’s been hard not to think of the Stasi murdering border crossers and street protestors when ICE just executed a mother of three by shooting her in the head through her windshield in broad daylight, her wife sitting next to her and neighbors recording the scene on video. Renee Nicole Good was not the first person Trump’s paramilitary thugs have bragged about inflicting violence on, either. After shooting Marimar Martinez in November, a Border Patrol agent reportedly texted his buddies with the line, “I fired 5 rounds and she had 7 holes. Put that in your book, boys.”

As I’m discovering firsthand, having kids nowadays is apparently a never-ending lesson in this kind of cognitive dissonance. I realize, too, it’s both totally natural and a bit crazy to be excited and hopeful about growing this new little human inside me, considering all the horrors I’ve already listed, and the many others I haven’t. Many people I love and respect are foregoing having children entirely, whether because they simply don't want them, because they're too expensive (especially in New York City, where I live), or because ecofascism has robbed them of any hope for the future. My loved ones who do have kids have shared the joys of parenting, but also the struggles, especially during COVID. As their kids grow, they're facing difficult questions about declining prospects, school shootings, and how adults let the world get this way.

I recognize that the aforementioned financial stability takes care of some, though not all, of these concerns. As for those that remain, I think, in spite of everything, here's my vote of confidence for perpetuating the species: Humanity can be pretty awful, but also pretty amazing. There's still so much joy and wonder to be found in this world, something I've witnessed from people who continue to live and love under the direst of the circumstances. I don't agree with people who say that having children is what gives life meaning—my life had meaning and purpose before. But I do think my daughter has already challenged me to remain hopeful on her behalf, and to take action to better myself and my community to create a softer landing for her when she’s here.

She's kicking me as I write this. I'm congested, my joints hurt, I’ve developed gestational diabetes, and I miss carbs. As excited as I am for her to arrive, I'm also terrified of giving birth, and how much I have to do and learn before then. But I also take solace now in all the good news I can find, because it gives me new hope for the future—for her future. Zohran Mamdani won his mayoral campaign with a promise to bring affordable childcare to New York City. CUNY researchers recently discovered a potential universal antiviral that can defeat multiple families of viruses at once, including Ebola, COVID, and SARS. Chicagoans are telling ICE to fuck off, whether that's dads in pajamas or the Pope. Chinese and European solar power technology is moving forward in leaps and bounds, with renewable energy overtaking fossil fuels in most parts of the world, even as the U.S. lags behind. The African Union passed a Convention on Ending Violence Against Women and Girls, lapping many parts of the world with its second regional treaty on women's rights. Trump and Putin won't live forever, and Stephen Miller, RFK Jr., and Pete Hegseth aren't immune from prosecution. Bolsonaro and Duterte are in jail. Elon Musk is the loneliest man on Earth. 

Yes, it's an extremely dark time, but that's not exactly a historical outlier. People have been making babies throughout the worst of them. And nothing motivates me more to build a better future for all of us than this little girl, who, like every child, deserves safety, stability, love, and care, and a world equipped to give it to her.

I can’t wait for her to see it.

[post_title] => The Strange Hopefulness of Growing a Human While the World Burns [post_excerpt] => For months, I've tried to make sense of my sudden inability to write about societal collapse. Then, I found out I was pregnant. [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => closed [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => hope-week-pregnancy-motherhood-children-personal-essay [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2026-01-09 08:25:27 [post_modified_gmt] => 2026-01-09 08:25:27 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://conversationalist.org/?p=9891 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )
An illustration of a house as a flowering tree gradually grows within it, splitting it open with flowers.

The Strange Hopefulness of Growing a Human While the World Burns

WP_Post Object
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    [ID] => 9937
    [post_author] => 15
    [post_date] => 2026-01-07 07:35:47
    [post_date_gmt] => 2026-01-07 07:35:47
    [post_content] => 

Why Ireland's Basic Income for the Arts program is just the first step in better supporting the country's artists.

In 2022, visual artist Elinor O’Donovan was working as a receptionist in Cork, Ireland, when she began to receive the Basic Income for the Arts (BIA) stipend. The Irish government had launched the program that year as a way to address the country’s unstable arts sector, which had left many artists without job security and consistent financial earnings—O’Donovan included. At the time she applied, she'd just graduated from university and was living with her parents as she tried to figure out the next steps for her career. When she found out she’d been selected from a pool of over 9,000 other applicants for the BIA, it was life-changing. As one of 2,000 artists receiving a weekly income of €325 over a three-year period, O’Donovan was able to quit her job and move to Dublin to make art full-time. 

“The BIA has allowed me to be a bit more brave with the stuff that I make,” she tells The Conversationalist. “It allowed me to make whatever I want, and not feel as if I have to justify why it's important to a funding body.” 

According to a cost-benefit analysis published by the Department of Culture, Communications and Sport last September, the BIA has been a resounding success for beneficiaries, and Irish society at large. The report revealed that recipients were able to dedicate an additional four hours per week to art-making, and that the program “strengthened artists’ professional autonomy, capacity for creative work, and attachment to the arts sector.” Moreover, for every €1 of public money invested in the pilot, the country received €1.39 in return—a value that accounts for an increase in earnings generated from art-making as well as an increase in public engagement with the arts. In short: Giving money to artists, with no strings attached, was demonstrably profitable.  

For O’Donovan, income from the BIA not only gave her more time to make art, but provided her with newfound financial stability, something that affected every part of her life. She had more time to cook for herself, joined a gym, and for the first time, was able to afford to go to therapy. She was also finally able to plan for the future. 

“I was 26 when I started receiving [the BIA], and I was able to start a pension fund,” she says. “Just having that fallback [was a relief], knowing that I would receive an income no matter what happened; if I got sick, I would still be able to pay my bills, pay my rent. It has really been transformative for my well-being.”

Importantly, the BIA has also allowed her to create opportunities for other artists: O’Donovan’s ability to explore filmmaking, something she was afforded because of the stipend, meant she could create new jobs in the field. “Having financial stability from the basic income means that I've been able to hire other people to work with me,” O’Donovan says. “So there's even been a kind of trickle down of the basic income to other artists and other creatives in Ireland.” 

For artists around the world, the program has also offered one hopeful potential solution for a global arts sector severely hit with funding cuts and political uncertainties over the last few years. But while things have taken a recent downturn, the financial instability of the arts has been a major problem for decades, if not centuries, something that likely explains the growing admiration for the BIA around the world.

In a capitalist society, creative work is not valued as a productive or profitable field, which often means that artists are being underpaid for their work, if they’re paid at all. Creativity and art-making require passion and time, two resources that are generally scarce in an economic system more concerned with profit than beauty. Often, this forces workers to abandon or sideline their creative work in favor of taking a non-creative job that will provide financial stability. But a program like the BIA provides an alternative model, giving artists the financial foundation to create without the stress of figuring out how they will pay their rent or bills. 

Joining other basic income pilot programs around the world, the BIA demonstrates that providing workers with financial stability first allows them to thrive, increasing a country’s worker satisfaction, contributing to better mental health, and resulting in higher housing stability, by supporting people pursuing their preferred fields of work

Even the program’s most ardent supporters, however, argue that the BIA is only the start of a more stable arts field. In Ireland, the arts generate €1.5 billion in income each year, but according to Praxis, the artists’ union of Ireland, artists still face “extremely challenging economic conditions.” In an open letter published in September, the group cited that 50.7% of artists in Ireland still live in Enforced Deprivation, compared to 15.7% of the general population. (The Irish Central Statistics Office defines Enforced Deprivation as when a household experiences two or more of 11 national deprivation items, such as being unable to replace worn out furniture, or being unable to afford a drink or a meal with friends once a month.) The BIA, then, should be seen as just the first step in a bigger effort to make the industry more sustainable. 

“It has always been precarious,” writer, editor, and Praxis policy director Michaele Cutaya tells The Conversationalist. “I've never managed to make a living off just my art income, [and] my situation, my difficulties, are not isolated instances.” As a union representative, Cutaya helped advise the government on the BIA’s design; but despite its success, she emphasizes that the country still has a long way to go. 

“Quite a large part of the economy relies on the work of artists,” she says, citing the profit the arts brings to the hospitality sector in Dublin as one example. But very little money generated by the arts sector actually goes to artists, a discrepancy that continues to grow despite the BIA. In the last three years, work opportunities have diminished throughout the sector, a trend worrying to union leadership and artists alike. “Access to public funding remains the main source of income for artists, mainly through the Arts Council,” Cutaya continues. “[But] I find that the number of chances of getting your work selected has gone down because essentially there seems to be a lot more people applying [to public funding].”

This may explain why some are concerned that the BIA will become “the shiny object” of policies, while other issues in the sector go ignored, like unregulated pay, the use of AI, and the still-growing lack of opportunities.

“There's a lot of issues and they’re not doing much about it,” says actor Christophe Lombardi, who was in the control group of the BIA pilot program, where he received one yearly payment of €650 as compensation for participating, rather than the weekly stipend of €325. (The results of Lombardi’s control group were used so researchers could better understand how the BIA helps artists over a longer period of time, in comparison with those not receiving it.)  

Emphasizing other issues he would like to see addressed, Lombardi points to Gayanne Potter, a voice actor whose voice was used without permission by ScotRail to create AI-generated platform announcements in Scotland. “We are facing all the [same] problems [in Ireland]. So I don't want [the government] to use the BIA as an excuse to pretend to help the artists, but behind the scenes, not [do] anything about the rest of the issues.” 

Last April, the Irish Creative Industries Forum (ICIF) wrote to the Irish government requesting measures for the protection of artists from AI, and the enforcement of copyright infringement laws against the misuse of the technology. As of yet, however, the government has yet to implement any AI regulation policies in response. 

Still, there is a widespread recognition that the BIA is a net positive, and can and should be used to help address many of the existing issues in the industry. In its letter, the ICIF requested that the BIA be extended to artists affected by job loss caused by AI. Across Ireland, unionized artists are currently campaigning for the BIA’s permanent expansion. “It does make a difference, obviously,” Lombardi says. “Because it's hard to stay creative, to keep things going, while you can't keep a roof over your head. There was [an] upswing in mental health—everything's better.”

In Praxis’ open letter, the union demanded for the program’s extension for an indefinite period of time, and for the income to be indexed to inflation. Additionally, the union urged the government to expand eligibility to include previously omitted art forms, like performance artists, socially-engaged artists, craftspeople, and designers. 

Arguing that the BIA pays for itself in economic returns, Praxis warns this expansion should not come at the expense of other arts agencies, which also deserve resources, attention, and support. “The arts sector needs more funding, not less,” the letter reads. 

O’Donovan agrees. Given her experience, she says the BIA should be one part of a “bigger ecosystem” that helps the arts sector thrive, and allows artists to be fairly compensated for their work. “I think what people don't understand about being an artist is how much work you do that goes unpaid,” she says. “Having the basic income means that I'm still able to live and I'm still able to work.” 

The pilot program was originally set to end in December 2025, but has now been extended to February 2026. From September 2026, it will be a permanent program in the country, although the government has not defined eligibility criteria or the number of recipients moving forward. In an email to The Conversationalist, a spokesperson for the Department of Culture, Communications and Sport writes that “details such as the duration, eligibility and selection method… have not yet been decided.” 

Cutaya says, so far, they’ve also been left in the dark about the expanded program’s specifics, something especially concerning because, while the program was initially launched under a progressive coalition government, the current government is conservative. “We know very little at this stage,” Cutaya says, but adds that Praxis is holding out hope their input will be taken into consideration as the program evolves. 

This lack of transparency has also left current BIA recipients in the dark, unsure of how they will support themselves in the gap between February and September. “Realistically I'll just have to start working again,” O’Donovan says. “It feels like a shame. I'm really grateful to have had these three years where I've been able to work full-time as an artist because very few people who aren't on the basic income can afford that.” 

Reflecting on how public arts funding is the first to be cut during economic hardship, Lombardi wishes that society at large would recognize the inherent value of artists’ labor for the mental health and wellbeing of the general population. “Imagine life without art,” Lombardi says, pointing to how artists played a key role in keeping people sane during the pandemic. “Imagine for six months, there is no art. You can't watch stuff, you can't read stuff, you can't go out and see stuff. You can't sing, there's no music, there's nothing. The only thing is work and sports. That's it. The decrease in mental health would be astounding, people would go around the bend.” 

Having access to the most basic resources to be able to live while working in your preferred profession shouldn’t be a privilege for the few: Everyone deserves what the BIA has provided to artists for the last three years. But as too many places proverbially edge closer to the dystopia Lombardi describes, the BIA might be seen as a place to begin to reimagine how we value and fund the arts moving forward. Whether it’s an album, a painting, a play, a movie, a live band—whatever your preferred mode of expression—the arts remind us of the wonders of life, forcing us to see the beauty in between work shifts and growth indicators. Fair pay to the workers who deliver those reminders to the general population, then, is urgent; otherwise, we risk a world without fascination. The findings of the BIA pilot reveal the systemic flaws of how society treats its artists, and beyond the stipend, point to more hopeful solutions on the path to a world where art and artists are truly valued.

[post_title] => Painting a More Hopeful Future [post_excerpt] => Why Ireland's Basic Income for the Arts program is just the first step in better supporting the country's artists. [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => closed [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => hope-week-universal-basic-income-for-the-arts-artists-ireland [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2026-01-07 07:35:53 [post_modified_gmt] => 2026-01-07 07:35:53 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://conversationalist.org/?p=9937 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )
A two-panel illustration of a person with a flower head; in the first, the bud is closed, and in the second, the flower is in bloom.

Painting a More Hopeful Future

WP_Post Object
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    [ID] => 9910
    [post_author] => 15
    [post_date] => 2026-01-06 06:39:32
    [post_date_gmt] => 2026-01-06 06:39:32
    [post_content] => 

How committing to a weekly neighborhood potluck has both fed and strengthened my community.

There’s a certain serendipity that happens at a potluck. Foods that have never mingled together find themselves side by side: jambalaya in a crockpot, a cardboard pizza box, a plastic tub of Trader Joe’s hummus, a platter of gluten-free brownies. None of it really makes sense when scooped together onto a plate, but all of the flavors blend like fast friends—and if you’re lucky, oftentimes, the people do, too.

It’s another Monday night, which for me, means another neighborhood potluck. Every week, a group of us meets in the same grassy area by the bay in our neighborhood outside of Providence, Rhode Island. This week, I brought a pesto pasta salad with random veggies I found in our fridge; last week, it was leftover ribs my husband made over the weekend; the week before, a bag of chips and salsa. As we set up shop on a foldout table, I can see the curious faces of people driving and biking by, wondering what the heck is going on. But for us, it’s just another Monday night. People start trickling in around 5:30pm and stay until the sun goes down. We catch up on each other’s lives, and watch the kids run around while helping ourselves to a second plate. Then, we pack up our things and say our goodbyes, knowing we’ll see each other again next week.

While these gatherings now feel like a staple in my life, I first learned the magic of weekly potlucks a few years ago, in my old neighborhood in New Orleans, Louisiana. It was 2022, and we were still feeling a bit socially raw, fresh out of our Covid bubbles. A neighbor friend started a group text, inviting us to gather every Monday at the playground for a whatever-you-have-lying-around potluck dinner and a good hang.  

At first, the weekly cadence sounded like… a lot. Weekly? Really? Could my social battery handle it? 

Yet after the first few months, it started feeling like an important ritual, and after the first year, it felt like a sacred space. The regular cadence was key. It allowed us to check in on each other and get to know our week-to-week rhythms. I could ask how Jen’s doctor’s appointment went last week, or if Joel had recipe-tested the chicken and dumplings he was planning for his upcoming popup restaurant. When I wanted someone to be my accountability-buddy to do that yoga class I kept swearing I’d do, I could ask if anyone else had been looking for an accountability-buddy, too. And with the standing weekly gatherings, all of this could happen in an intentional way, our commitment to a weekly meal slowly blossoming into something more. 

After spending a couple of years social-distancing and mostly avoiding group gatherings, our neighborhood potlucks also felt like a joyful and much-needed form of social fitness, something scientifically proven to be just as important to our well-being as physical exercise. Maybe you’ve heard of Harvard's 85-year happiness study? It started in 1938 and followed 724 participants from their teens to old age. The participants regularly answered questions about their health and habits, their income and relationships, their joys and disappointments. The study also incorporated insights from their spouses and 1,300 of their descendants. 

What did the study find to be the most important factor in determining a long and happy life? Strong, supportive relationships. Not cholesterol levels, or how many kettlebells you’ve lifted (although those things are important, too!)—but genuine human connection. It was a stronger indicator for happiness than even genetic predispositions, social class, or IQ. 

This was also precisely what many of us were so starved for back in 2022. As the weeks went by, it felt like we had cracked the code to maintaining a genuine closeness with our neighbors. I also realized it wasn’t just the shared meal that was feeding us and allowing for deeper relationships to grow: It was our commitment to having it in the first place. 

In New Orleans, I experienced the fruits of this firsthand. A group of us kept showing up, kept checking in on each other, kept extending the invite to other neighbor friends, and kept feeling the goodness of our Monday merriment spilling into the rest of the week. It was something to look forward to, something that consistently got our weeks started on a hopeful note. The Sunday scaries felt almost cured by the Monday potluck magic. 

It was also a weekly reminder that, no matter what else was happening in the world, we were all still here, still showing up, and still feeding each other—with food, with friendship, with community, with care. 

This commitment never felt burdensome, but instead, like a newfound necessity. In the age of TikToking your way down the street and scrolling in bed until you fall asleep, people are overconnected but undercommitted. Relationships, however, are built on commitment—and at least according to the Harvard study’s findings, that means our happiness is built on commitment, too. It’s a muscle to exercise like any other, and when we allow it to atrophy, our communities tend to suffer. But when we put the effort into consistently exercising it, our relationships and our communities begin to bloom.

It still impresses me that we managed to meet up every week for over a year, even with small kids and busy jobs and all the rest. I believe a big part of this was probably the fact that we met in a public space (the neighborhood playground), that was walking distance for all of us (no driving required), which also meant that nobody had to host (no need to clean your house).

The not-hosting part felt especially important. Nobody had to stress about people coming over and nobody had to deal with washing the dishes since we BYO’d our own plates and cutlery. We also never felt the pressure to bring anything fancy, a rule we established early on. One week it might be a bag of chips and the next it might be leftover birthday cake and maybe the next it would be homemade enchiladas if you had a little more time to cook. It all evens out in the potluck wash. And when everyone brings something, everyone leaves full. 

When I moved to Rhode Island in 2024, I knew I had to keep my potluck muscles active in order to keep this little bit of magic alive, too.

I started a Whatsapp group and kept adding new neighbor friends to join as I met them. I scheduled the first potluck as a test run, just a couple months after we’d moved into our house. Given the big turnout (close to 40 people), I knew it could be a regular thing, so we started it up in earnest in the summer when the weather was more reliably outdoor-friendly. My husband and I began sending out a reminder on Monday mornings. And for the regular crew that started showing up each week, and telling other people to join, the potluck magic alchemized just as it had in New Orleans. I felt especially proud when I started seeing people I didn’t recognize who had heard about it through the neighborhood grapevine.

Every Monday, we’d arrive at the park with our foldout table and gingham tablecloth (adding a tablecloth instantly makes any gathering feel more special). For a quick second, I’d worry that nobody would show up. I’d feel a bit self-conscious, then I’d remember that even if nobody came, I’d still be outside eating with my family, which is a gift on its own. 

I wouldn’t take it personally if people couldn’t make it (although a younger version of myself probably would have). But sure enough, people always did, and a mishmash of dishes would start appearing on the table. Hot dogs and mini quiche? Sure, why not! Barbecue ribs and a mountain of edamame? I mean, yeah, let’s do this! The neighborhood kids would run around on the grass and inevitably start piling on top of each other, like a Polaroid snapshot from 1995. No iPads or AI or any other tech-y shenanigans. Just some good ole wholesome potluck fun.

After a full summer of weekly potlucks, however, it became clear that one major difference between New Orleans and New England is, well, winter. In New Orleans, we could keep the weekly cadence humming along for most of the year. The summer heat and storm season did force some cancelations, but in Rhode Island, the days started growing dark by 6 p.m. and it was puffy coat season by Halloween, so we had to “close for the season” in October. 

“I really miss our Monday potlucks,” neighbor friends have told me recently. Some have even offered to host in their homes, but this feels like breaking a key tenet. Removing the hosting pressure is a big part of what keeps our potlucks running so smoothly and solidly, so inclusively and so stress-freely. 

While I know it’ll come back in full force once the weather warms up and the sunlight stretches back into dinner hours, I can still feel my potluck muscle craving exercise. We’ve been looking into community spaces that might be willing to host us during the winter, such as the library or the masonic center a few blocks away. Or the old-school bowling alley, which has some tables in the back. We’ve also been brainstorming other ways to stay connected during the colder, darker months. Perhaps a weekly walking club around the neighborhood? Or a soup swap (like a cookie swap, but for soup)? 

But I also know that rest is important when it comes to exercise, too. And it’s during this wintry off-season that I’m discovering how much the seedlings of our summer potluck friendships have sprouted. People are still texting each other to check in, still asking each other for HVAC repair advice and babysitter recommendations. And thankfully I still have my accountability buddy checking in on how we might move our bodies this winter — she just suggested a 30-day “gentle burn workout” with short daily videos, asking if we could text each other once we’ve finished each as motivation and a healthy bit of peer pressure.   

A potluck, of course, isn’t the only way to nurture and maintain our relationships, but it’s one that’s made me feel particularly hopeful. Commitment begets commitment, and makes the muscle stronger, something we can feel even when it’s not in use. 

Bringing people together on a regular basis is also a reminder that small rituals can add up to something much bigger. In the months since our last potluck, our Providence community has been deeply hurting following the horrific mass shooting that took place at Brown University in December. We’ve been checking in on our neighbors, and feeling a wide range of emotions: grief, sadness, anger, anxiety, and heartbreak. But as we continue to grieve, our commitment to holding space for each other gives me hope that we’ll live another day, and share another meal, and continue to show up for each other, again and again.  

[post_title] => A Helping of Something Hopeful [post_excerpt] => How committing to a weekly neighborhood potluck has both fed and strengthened my community. [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => closed [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => hope-week-weekly-neighborhood-potluck-community-food-personal-essay [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2026-01-14 02:30:14 [post_modified_gmt] => 2026-01-14 02:30:14 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://conversationalist.org/?p=9910 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )
An illustration of six pairs of hands holding out various dishes of food over a grassy expanse.

A Helping of Something Hopeful

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    [post_date] => 2025-12-29 23:35:11
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    [post_content] => 

From new releases to new translations, everything worth adding to your TBR pile next year.

Book cover for The Emperor of Gladness by Ocean Vuong.

The Emperor of Gladness
by Ocean Vuong

My favorite book of the year was The Emperor of Gladness by Ocean Vuong, which lived up to its hype. It features Hai, a dropout and addict who is saved from jumping off a bridge by Grazina, an elderly woman with dementia. He becomes her caretaker and roommate, and they develop an odd, moving relationship that reaches across generations and connects their shared immigrant experience. It’s also a story about getting by in a backwater town (East Gladness, Connecticut), and the found family Hai makes working at a Boston Market type chain. I loved Vuong’s poetic sensibilities in his last novel, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, and his latest felt like the author stretching his wings.

Anna Lind-Guzik, Founder

Book cover for No Fault by Haley Mlotek.

No Fault: A Memoir of Romance and Divorce
by Haley Mlotek

I loved No Fault, writer Haley Mlotek's cultural history of divorce, for the way it combines historical research with literary analysis, and for how Mlotek weaves the story of her own divorce through it all. It's a moving inquiry into big topics (love, marriage, family, partnership, community, autonomy) that feels like an honest conversation with a trusted friend. I came away from this book thinking differently about our cultural scripts for romance and separation, but also about the various couplings and splits that have shaped my life and those of the people I love.

Marissa Lorusso, Newsletter Editor

The Obscene Madame D
by Hilda Hilst, translated by Nathanaël

I've long been curious about Brazilian writer Hilda Hilst, whose work was only translated into English for the first time in 2012, nearly a decade after her death. The Obscene Madame D—a slim and profane novella about a 60-year-old woman named Hillé who goes "insane" following the death of her lover—did not disappoint. I read it in one sitting, allowing myself to be carried along the current of Hilst's existential contemplations about grief and God and sex and sanity. I've since learned fellow Brazilian writer Clarice Lispector was a friend and fan, and I can see it. But having read (and loved) both, I think Hilst is more absurd; more corporeal. This book felt like sinking into a fever dream, and achieved the rare feat of both making me laugh out loud and sending me into a philosophical spiral. (Note: A new edition of The Obscene Madame D was released earlier this year by Pushkin Press, but I nabbed myself a secondhand copy from Nightboat, Hilst's original U.S. publisher, which is the edition included here.)

Gina Mei, Executive Editor

Airplane Mode: An Irreverent History of Travel
by Shahnaz Habib

I'm obsessed with Airplane Mode: An Irreverent History of Travel by Shahnaz Habib. For the factoid or wanderlust lover, this book explains the modern history of travel and explores the theme of colonization through a traveler mindset. Most travel books are written by white authors, so I also found it extremely refreshing to see travel from Shahnaz's perspective. This book opened my eyes to topics like passport privilege and even how Thai food's popularity in the U.S. began. If you've ever said, "I love to travel," Airplane Mode is essential reading.

Kiera Wright-Ruiz, Social Media Manager

Little Witch Hazel
by Phoebe Wahl

As a mom of two young kids, I read a lot of children's books, and one that I keep coming back to is Little Witch Hazel by Phoebe Wahl. The book is divided into four seasons, and during each season—in the blossom-filled spring, in the carefree summer, during spooky season, and in the snow—the kind witch makes house calls throughout the forest to help her animal neighbors and deepen her community. Hazel is a midwife, a mystery solver, and an always kind-hearted friend. Each time we read it together, my daughter and I discover new details in the illustrations that we hadn't noticed before. It's a delightful escape to another world and reminds me how important it is to show up for our neighbors throughout the seasons.

Erin Zimmer Strenio, Executive Director

Cursed Daughters
by Oyinkan Braithwaite

When I picked up Oyinkan Braithwaite's Cursed Daughters at the Lagos airport in November, my flight had been delayed. It was a happy coincidence to be able to start reading it when I had some unexpected free time, as I'd been meaning to get it since its September release. The problem came days after, when between some busy reporting days and visiting family I don't get to see very often, I found it difficult to put the book down. 

Braithwaite's Cursed Daughters is an intergenerational story about Nigerian (Yoruba) women in a family, the Faloduns, who are quite literally cursed in their love lives. The story oscillates between different time periods and marks how culture and tradition can evolve—or not—in different eras we think of as contemporary. Aside from the witty writing and plot, what I loved most about it was its mix of originality while also exploring a familiar subject that I think anyone from anywhere can relate to. Without giving too much away, I think what impresses me most about Braithwaite's writing is that she manages to avoid obvious clichés about Nigerian sensibilities and how family obligations work, and instead offers the nuance so many of us observe and live in.

Before I'd finished, while still in Nigeria, one of my aunts managed to convince me to leave the book behind for her to read. Reluctantly, I did, then almost immediately ordered another copy so I could pick up from where I left off as soon as I got home. 

Kovie Biakolo, Contributing Editor

Mỹ Documents
by Kevin Nguyen

Months after finishing this book, I'm still baffled at how Kevin managed to write something so eerily prophetic. Mỹ Documents takes place in a not-really-that-dystopian timeline where, following a slate of domestic terrorist attacks, the U.S. begins rounding up Vietnamese Americans and sending them to internment camps. The book centers on four "cousins" from the same family, and their vastly different experiences of survival over the years the order is in effect. Mỹ Documents doesn't shy away from the obvious parallels to the internment of Japanese Americans during World War II (and, in fact, specifically admonishes one of the characters for not knowing their Asian American history), but instead shows how easily history can and does repeat itself. Somehow, Kevin handles this with both the weight it deserves, and a good sense of humor, the moments of levity so necessary, and so human, they make the rest of the book feel like a punch to the face.

G.M.

Underland: A Deep Time Journey
by Robert MacFarlane

This book came to me as a recommendation from a friend, who highly encouraged me to read it because of our shared love of nature, adventure, and musings on the great unknown. MacFarlane is an explorer who writes in a captivating, vivid way about his experiences and interactions with some of the most interesting environments and people on the planet. He hones in on the idea of "deep time" and how there is a relativity to experience depending on where and how we live. Underland is filled with wonderful explorations of caverns, catacombs, glaciers, mountains, and more...all with insightful history of both the places and people who dare to explore them to their fullest (or "deepest"). 

Jessica Granato, Executive Assistant

Lili is Crying
by Hélène Bessette, translated by Kate Briggs

A cult classic when it came out in France in the 1950s, Lili is Crying was translated into English for the first time this year, and is the most "holy shit"-worthy cautionary tale against codependency I've ever read. With sparse language, and stylistic choices that blur the lines between narration and inner monologue, Lili is Crying is a book about a mother and daughter's increasingly unhinged relationship, told over the course of the daughter's lifetime. Charlotte (the mother) emerges as an all-time literary villain, insidious and manipulative and cruel. Lili (the daughter), meanwhile, more than lives up to the title: She spends most of the book in tears. Despite multiple attempts at detangling herself from her mother, she just can't seem to leave her behind. While definitively a work of literary fiction, after finishing it, I texted a friend who works in film and TV that it would make a hell of a horror movie. This is my official plea for someone to please make it.

G.M.

[post_title] => The Best Books We Read in 2025 [post_excerpt] => From new releases to new translations, everything worth adding to your TBR pile next year. [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => closed [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => best-books-2025-reads-tbr-ocean-vuong-oyinkan-braithwaite-haley-mlotek-hilda-hilst-shahnaz-habib-phoebe-wahl-robert-macfarlane-kevin-nguyen-helene-bessette [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2026-01-15 21:43:21 [post_modified_gmt] => 2026-01-15 21:43:21 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://conversationalist.org/?p=9866 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )
The oil painting "Reading" by Georges Croegaert, depicting a woman lying back on a couch and reading a book.

The Best Books We Read in 2025

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    [post_date] => 2025-12-17 18:25:59
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How women crab farmers along India's coast have linked their livelihoods to environmental conservation.

A soft current ripples near Jamdulwadi Island as 15-year-old Prachi Santosh Acharekar guides her canoe through the gnarled trunks of a mangrove forest.

The afternoon sun warms the surface of the water, revealing a familiar scene to local communities around India’s Konkan coast: clusters of mud-covered crabs, basking on branches.

As she approaches them, she slows her boat. Prachi, a 10th-standard student, doesn’t just see mud crabs: She sees her future. Her focused gaze and deft handling of the boat are part of her autodidactic training, a testament to a burgeoning passion that runs deep within the Acharekar family. 

Prachi Santosh Acharekar navigating her canoe through the mangroves, a part of her crab farming training.

Champions of the Mangroves

In Achara village, where she lives, crab farming season typically runs from October to May. When Prachi is fully inducted into her family’s business in about three years, during this time, she’ll be busy with preparations, stocking seed, feeding the crabs, and folding boxes to safely transport them once they’ve been harvested. 

All of it will also formalize her role in a grassroots movement, led by women from India’s coastal belt: In Sindhudurg, women fisherfolk have become champions in linking their livelihoods with environmental conservation. Through crab farming, they’ve created a strong incentive to protect local mangroves, which serve as critical nursery habitats for mangrove crabs. The benefits of this are both economical and ecological: Alongside generating sustainable income for the women, the mangroves’ preservation stabilizes shorelines and mitigates erosion, enhancing coastal resilience against the impacts of climate change. 

At the heart of this enterprise is Prachi’s aunt, 55-year-old Sonali Sunil Acharekar, a proud entrepreneur and leading member of Konkansparsh, one of Maharashtra’s pioneering women-led self-help groups (SHGs). Like all women of this SHG, for her, the mangrove is not just an ecosystem, but a dynamic marketplace.

“Be it dolphin safari, trekking, birdwatching, or traditional fishing, we do it all at Konkansparsh,” says Sonali, sitting in a charpoy at her home, surrounded by a vast area of mangroves. “But crab farming is our speciality. It is something we feel deeply attached to.”

Sonali and other leaders manage the entire crab farming supply chain, from feeding and harvesting the crabs to selling them. The process is meticulous but straightforward. Crab seeds are carefully placed one-by-one into fiber boxes. Each box is then deployed within the protected mangrove territories of Sindhudurg district, which boasts 6,940 hectares of mangroves perfectly suited for farming. Sonali also feeds the small raw fish stock twice daily, in the morning and evening. Then, once the crabs are ready, they’re harvested, boxed, and sold. 

Sonali Sunil Acharekar in the backyard of her home in Achara village.

Overseeing the entire operation in this way has significantly enhanced the women’s access to resources, as well as to the market. The payoff is also demonstrable, including as a sustainable model: Last year, the Acharekar family, a seven-member unit that works in tandem, generated an impressive 150,000 INR ($1,706 USD) from the sale of 180 crabs. They also earned an additional 130,000 INR ($1,466 USD) from running mangrove safaris. 

“It feels so good to partake in the process,” says Sonali. “This year, we intend to maintain 200 boxes fully. More boxes mean more business and more business means more prosperity.”

Their success also reinforces a crucial ecological benefit: According to research published in the Marine Biological Association of India, mud crab farming is not only a sustainable—and profitable—livelihood, but an essential strategy for mangrove conservation, supporting the region’s climate resilience through ecosystem protection. The mangroves provide a conducive natural habitat for raising mud crabs, or green crabs, commonly from the species Scylla serrata, which are indigenous to the region. By breeding and harvesting crabs, and building and tending to crabs pens in mangrove creeks, the women have both created a financial incentive for the mangroves' protection and helped to increase the local crab population.

In coastal areas, crabs are considered an economically significant species due to their huge demand. The crabs themselves can also tolerate a wide range of temperatures and salinities without destroying local ecosystems. But over the years, sand mining, saltwater intrusion, and rising water temperatures have contributed to a declining mud crab population, and are just a few of the ongoing stresses and trends that fisher communities have dealt with, and that local SHGs hope to tackle. 

A wild baby crab crawls on the trunk of a mangrove tree.

In other coastal communities like Kerala, Maharashtra’s neighboring state, crab farmers who once caught wild juvenile crabs and had plentiful stock are grappling with rising costs and dwindling returns, as crabs have become scarce and stressed. Their annual incomes have dropped by 50,000 INR to 100,000 INR (around $600 USD to $1,200 USD) due to poor water quality, causing frequent disease outbreaks, pushing many farmers to downsize or cease operations altogether, largely due to reduced harvests linked to environmental degradation.

Sustainable crab models in coastal communities in Maharashtra aim to address the pressing problems of overfishing, habitat loss, and food insecurity through long-term economic stability. But without such practices, crab harvesting may yield fleeting profits, triggering ecological collapse and harm to a region’s inhabitants.

In addition to boosting the economy, this is part of why the SHG’s endeavors have been such a great boon to the area.

According to Kedar Palav, Livelihood Specialist at Sindhudurg’s Mangrove Foundation, women-led groups comprising 40 women have been active in Sindhudurg district during the 2024-25 crab farming season. “Our aim,” he notes, “is to facilitate strong livelihood opportunities for the women.”

Sonali Sunil Acharekar (left) and her niece Prachi Santosh Acharekar (center) in conversation with Mayur Pansare (right), a Project Assistant for the Mangrove Foundation.

But even those with formal careers are drawn to the potential. Sonali’s 32-year-old son, Omprakash Sunil Achrekar, an engineering graduate, has embraced crab farming full-time; and Manish Tari, 22, an undergraduate in fisheries science, launched Manish Agro & Seafood with his father during the Covid-19 pandemic, specializing in vertical crab farming.

“We deal in red and green crabs,” says Tari. “A single piece per kilo can go up to 2,400 INR. It’s very lucrative.”

Navigating the Tides

Despite the economic potential, the journey is not without profound risks and hurdles. The most immediate occupational hazard, however, is theft.

“Theft of crabs is a big problem here,” says Sonali. “Sometimes diseases can spread in the backwaters, as well…A mortality rate of 20 percent is considered normal.”

It’s a challenge that has historically forced some farmers out of business. Samiksha Gaonkar, 50, from Pirawadi village, recalls being part of Sindhudurg’s very first crab culture group, which operated between 2014 to 2019. Despite each group member earning around 5000 INR per month, they were forced to shut down.

“Our crabs got suddenly stolen,” says Samiksha. “We could not keep a check on the thefts and then we had to pull out.”

Anagarajan Joshi, 58, a former crab farmer, at her friend’s home in Pirawadi village.

Another hurdle is the scarcity of crab seed. According to Palav, there is only one hatchery in India: the Rajiv Gandhi Centre for Aquaculture (RGCA) in the southernmost state of Tamil Nadu. 

Sanjeevni Santosh Mithbavker, 43, a member of the Vedoleshwar SHG, says crab farming has become more difficult as a result. “We lack seed,” she says. “If the supply of seed becomes easy, we can take this business forward.” 

Despite the scarcity, Sanjeevni sold crabs worth 60,000 INR last season. But while business is “great,” seed still costs 25 to 30 INR for a single piece—makings it an expensive venture for the average crab farmer.

A Wave of Resilience 

To counter these challenges, government and non-governmental efforts have actively focused their support on the most vulnerable communities, placing women at the forefront.

Government initiatives such as the Mangrove Conservation and Livelihood Generation Scheme, alongside international projects like Enhancing Climate Resilience of India’s Coastal Communities (ECRICC), have been instrumental in fostering local interest in Sindhudurg’s coastal villages, including Achara and Hadi. As part of the Mangrove Foundation’s intervention, women’s groups also receive substantial training and support, including expert talks, presentations, and hands-on workshops that offer extensive practical training. 

On the ground, additional support comes from 34 Sagar Mitras—fisheries graduates who act as vital resources for the women. Mayur Vinayak Pansare, Project Assistant with the Mangrove Foundation, sees themselves in a family-like role. While they occasionally help fix issues, like crabs breaking through fiber boxes, he says, “It’s heartwarming to see these women coming forward and taking steps towards self-reliance.”

Sanjeevni Santosh Mithbavker, 43, mends nets at her home in Hadi village.

The financial assistance is also significant: The Achrekar family, for instance, received a substantial 90 percent subsidy from the Department of Fisheries and the Mangrove Foundation. Between 2021 and 2025, larger initiatives like the Pradhan Mantri Machi Sampada have backed an additional 124 fisheries projects, with women as a remarkable 60 percent of beneficiaries between 2021 and 2025, says Bahar Vithala Mahakal, Sindhudurg District Program Manager at the Fisheries Department.

This focus is clear across other programs, too: The Sindu Ratna Samrudhi Scheme saw a 70 percent rise in female beneficiaries in a single year, between 2022 and 2023.

Planting the Future

Women’s presence as crab sellers in Sindhudurg’s main fish market signals a generational shift in the industry: They’re taking center stage in an otherwise male-dominated marketplace. For Dakshita (who asked we only use her first name), her presence here is about more than selling her own yield—she’s also reclaiming a little more of herself. 

“What is the need for middlemen when I can run my own business?” she says, waiting for customers.

Dakshita, 50, sells green crabs at the Malvan fish market in Sindhudurg.

In Prachi’s case, the journey towards self-reliance began slowly. She initially “harbored no interest in crab farming.” But witnessing her family’s dedication and serving as a guide for tourists through the vibrant backwaters transformed her perspective, converting her initial disinterest into a passion.

In the shifting tides of the Maharashtra coast, Prachi represents the strong voice of a younger generation, seamlessly blending tradition with science to carve a new path forward. For them, crabs are the ‘green gold,’ promising economic returns.

While elder members strengthen their place in the market, Prachi is now articulating a dream that links her environment to her education, which she plans to pursue further by studying Marine Science.

“By protecting the mangroves, my crabs thrive,” she says. “The mangroves in return protect my family from storms, erosion, and the rising sea.”

A view of a mountain village in Sindhudurg.

In the nearby pond, Prachi and Sonali have also started to plant new mangrove saplings. Other efforts at sustainability have only grown. In 2017, scientists visited the area and told local crab farmers that in order to have a better catch, they needed to maintain cleaner water. To boost women’s participation in local water and pond management, women farmers are now being trained to regularly flush water through the crab ponds for freshness, monitor water quality, and prevent overcrowding. Since then, they’ve seen the return of many new birds in the area, from cattle egret to common sandpiper and Indian pond heron.

The tides speak louder than people in Sindhudurg’s coastal communities, and for these powerful women, mangroves stand like guardians along the coast. The more they nurture the mangroves, the more the mangroves give back to them, too. It’s a quiet partnership in nature, this connection between crab farmers and the mangrove forests, and a small step in healing the Earth.

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Guardians of the Mangroves

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    [post_date] => 2025-12-12 10:00:00
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An essay about fibroids, and the time I bled on the floor at work.

Several years ago, I had an operation to remove eight uterine fibroids. One was roughly the size of a grapefruit; another, an orange.

Despite the hour-long cardio kickboxing class I was then taking five times a week, I had been putting on weight—probably just muscle mass, I’d deludedly thought at the time. But my abdomen was noticeably protruding, and I had gone from having heavy periods to bleeding uncontrollably at times that were unconnected to my usual menstrual cycle. I looked and felt like I was four months pregnant, minus the motherly glow: all of the eerie, alien sensations of pregnancy with none of the compensations of a yearned-for baby. I could feel the fibroids’ taut mass when I woke up in the morning, like a brick in my belly, and I had to pee constantly—so much and so often that I was afraid to go anywhere without knowing where the nearest bathroom was. I knew, as you often do, that something was wrong.

Fibroids are uterine muscle cells that grow in a ball or clump. They can be as small as a pea, or as large as a full-term baby. They can grow inside or outside of the uterus, directly on the uterine wall, or from a “stalk” made of smooth muscle cells.

They’re also incredibly common: Many women have them, but you wouldn’t necessarily know unless you had symptoms. Black women are more likely than other women to get them, and more likely to need treatment. Larger fibroids and those that grow at the end of the vaginal tract can make penetrative sex painful—something I never experienced, though they did shrink my once prodigious libido, as neither the word “fibroids” nor the thing itself is a known aphrodisiac.

In rare cases, fibroids can resolve on their own. Mine had to be surgically removed because they were causing me to bleed as suddenly and copiously as if I’d been stabbed—including one time when I bled through a super-plus tampon onto the floor at work. A male coworker had pointed out the small puddle of blood forming beneath my desk, wondering aloud where it had come from: Was the ceiling weeping blood, like something out of a horror movie? I pretended I had cut my leg and fled to the ladies’ room, eventually returning, mortified, to mop up the blood with a Lysol wipe. My coworkers were kind enough to accept, and even pretend to believe, the bizarre claim that I had somehow injured my leg, when both were visibly bare and intact.

It wasn’t the first time my fibroids had made themselves known. Several months earlier, I’d bled through an ultra-absorbent tampon at a movie theater while watching a documentary about Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It was summer; I was wearing pale green shorts. When I stood up, rivulets of blood poured down the backs of my legs and pooled in my sneakers.

Another time, despite the presence of another super-plus tampon and a gigantic, diaper-like maxi pad, I ruined a set of white sheets on a bed in a house my parents were renting. My sister-in-law—a social worker who’s seen worse—helped me change the sheets.

Then there was the time I started bleeding heavily while waiting in line for an international flight. The floodgates opened just after an airline employee summoned me, by name, to the check-in desk, where I was asked to produce my passport for a random extra security check. As I boarded the flight, I squeezed my legs together and prayed. During takeoff, I pressed a scratchy airplane blanket into my lap like a tourniquet.

It was in a period of painful transitions that my symptoms were most acute: six failed job interviews and three funerals, two for grandparents and one for my parents’ oldest and closest friend. All the black clothes came in handy. When it got hot again, I bought a hideous, tent-like maxi dress made of thick black cotton. I hated how it looked—too funereal for summer—but loved that it was ankle-length and absorptive. 

After months of heavy bleeding and diagnostic tests—CT scans and ultrasounds and endless consultations—I had a myomectomy. At some point I started looking into what causes fibroids; as with so many medical problems women suffer, the answer was a combination of, “We don’t know” and “Try losing some weight.” Being overweight or obese is a risk factor, as is consuming red meat and alcohol, especially beer. Nulliparity, or never having given birth, is another. I am neither sylphlike nor fat. My weight has fluctuated over the years, but rarely by more than 15 pounds. As far as I know, I have never been pregnant. I have often consumed red meat and alcohol, including beer, though I’ve attempted to rein in these vices as I’ve gotten older. While I don’t blame my love of beer and bacon for my fibroids, it was hard to read about the risk factors without feeling indicted—and, in my case, mulish and defiant. (“Especially beer?” I muttered to myself while researching. “Who came up with this list, my mom?”)

Thinking it might shrink my fibroids to a manageable size or keep them from growing back, and liking the idea of grandkids, my sweet-natured, supportive dad once gently floated pregnancy as a possible solution. I’ve always been ambivalent about motherhood and resent pressure and unsolicited advice of any kind. But it wasn’t a crazy suggestion. I am in a stable and happy long-term relationship with a man who is also ambivalent about parenthood, but would have done his best to knock me up if I’d asked.

Getting pregnant wouldn’t necessarily have solved the problem, either. Pregnancy, with its wild hormone fluctuations and variable uterine blood flow, can shrink fibroids, but it can also cause them to grow. Fibroids can also increase the risk of a miscarriage, premature birth, breech birth, or placental abruption, a serious condition in which the placenta separates from the inner wall of the uterus, potentially causing the person giving birth to bleed heavily and/or cutting off the baby's supply of oxygen and nutrients. In other words, an unexpected pregnancy could shrink my fibroids—or kill me and my baby. And regardless of what I want, part of being a woman is knowing that millions of people around the world would find either scenario acceptable.

After the surgery, I was out of commission for six weeks. It took me a week to have a normal bowel movement again, and more for my energy and strength to return. I was forbidden to engage in any physical activity more strenuous than walking. Just out of the operating room and still doped up, I’d slurred that I was from a family of nurses and social workers (I didn’t mention the lawyers), and that I thought that nurses were underpaid saints. The nurse on duty said, “I like you! I’m gonna put you in one of the good rooms.” It was a private room on a high floor with a stunning view of the East River. My partner folded his large frame onto a tiny couch-bed in the corner and slept there for several nights.

On the first night, two nurses helped me drag my body out of the hospital bed so I could pee. One of the incisions opened up, sending a hefty splash of pooled blood shooting out of my side. It wasn’t painful and I was too out of it to be frightened, but my partner looked like he’d seen a baby get hit by a car. The nurses muscled me back into bed. It turned out I needed a transfusion, which meant lying still for several hours while feeling the prickly, itchy, ghostly sensation of being pumped full of a stranger’s blood. When I moved the wrong way, I’d inadvertently tug on the IV catheter, sending a hot, throbbing ache skittering across the surface of the skin where they’d stuck the needle.

When I was discharged, a kind but stern nurse with a mellifluous Caribbean accent told me not to do any heavy lifting for at least three weeks. “That means no housework—no mopping or vacuuming, nothing like that,” she said. My partner and I grinned at each other. “I mean it, now!” said the nurse, misinterpreting our amusement and sending us into a fit of laughter. She seemed to think I was the kind of woman who can’t stand to keep a filthy house no matter what the doctor says, rather than the kind who lived, for years, alone and happy in a tiny, dusty, book-filled bachelor pad I almost never cleaned.

Fibroids can grow back, and mine did, necessitating another procedure just one year after the first, and another one after that. Each time, I was newly amazed by my body’s fragility and resilience: the skin, so easily pierced, slowly knitting itself back together again; the scars, so angry and ropy and red, fading to pale pink, sliver-like threads over time.

Harder to quantify was the return of my strength and confidence after years of feeling conspicuous and out of control. The fibroids heightened my anxiety—unless or until I get a hysterectomy or undergo menopause, they can always recur. Not knowing how my own body is going to behave at any given moment makes it difficult to stay sanguine. But maybe because I am close to a number of women who regard their own bodies with shame and ambivalence, I’m determined not to be ashamed of mine. I take a certain amount of perverse satisfaction in telling the story of the Time I Bled on the Floor at Work. When it happened, I was profoundly embarrassed but not ashamed, and I still find the whole episode deeply, darkly funny.

A friend once said that he hates bodies and wishes we could exist as pure spirits, free from the constant, undignified labor of keeping our corporeal forms healthy and strong. I often feel this way. At the same time, I am in awe of my body and consider its restoration a minor miracle. I may never be able to master it fully, but I’m grateful I could rebuild and transcend it.

[post_title] => Female Trouble [post_excerpt] => An essay about fibroids, and the time I bled on the floor at work. [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => closed [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => uterine-fibroids-myomectomy-personal-essay-womens-health-bodies [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2025-12-14 00:58:10 [post_modified_gmt] => 2025-12-14 00:58:10 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://conversationalist.org/?p=9828 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )
An illustration of a woman's lower legs. She's wearing black heels and blood is dripping down her leg, forming a puddle on the floor beneath her.

Female Trouble

WP_Post Object
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    [ID] => 9778
    [post_author] => 15
    [post_date] => 2025-11-25 20:22:14
    [post_date_gmt] => 2025-11-25 20:22:14
    [post_content] => 

For these five artists, creation is an act of resistance, and anti-colonialism is the methodology.

Ask any serious artist about their methodologies, and you’ll likely learn about the techniques they employ in their work, as well as their daily routines and training regimens; about what inspires and motivates them to create the work they do. Ask these five musicians that same question, and you’ll recognize a pattern in their responses: For Anaís Azul, AV María, slic, Dania, and Amita Vempati, anti-colonialism is the methodology.

Since colonialism itself is actions-based, anti-colonialism is also very much about what one does, not simply what one believes. These artists are all politically outspoken. All come from cultures that have been colonized, but they are also citizens of the world’s most powerful imperial machine: the United States. To oppose colonialism can never just be ideological or intellectual, although those components are foundational. In their art and in their lives, these five musicians contend with that duality, and create as an act of resistance—against their oppression, and against the systems that make them oppressors, contrary to their will. 

Anaís Azul

A portrait photo of Anaís Azul, smiling and looking off-camera. They have long, dark brown hair with bangs, and are wearing red lipstick, dangly earrings, and a gray vest over a patterned shirt. Their hands are crossed in front of their body, fingers intertwined.
(Photo by Joma Geneciran, courtesy of Anaís Azul.)

Anaís Azul is a queer, nonbinary, Peruvian American vocalist, composer, educator, and activist based in Los Angeles, California. They speak three languages and write music in all of them: Spanish, English, and Quechua, the language of their indigenous Andean lineage. They have a B.A. in music composition and theory, a master’s in performance and composition, and are now pursuing a doctorate in digital composition. With a background rooted in academia, and a socio-political praxis rooted in an amalgam of leftist, populist ideologies, Anaís has developed a clear-eyed vision of who they are: someone who uses their gifts, talents, education, and connections to deliberately subvert the culture of fascism that has come to define the United States, both locally and abroad.

Anaís sings and writes about healing and resistance, and they emphasize the importance of tapping into one’s feelings, especially during bleak times such as the ones we live in. They described playing a recent Pride show, and being the first performer of the day to talk about Gaza on stage. 

“It feels weird to just sit here and smile and pretend everything's okay at this sunny Pride celebration,” Anaís said to the crowd. “But there is no pride in genocide. I really hope that my music can bring people into their bodies; into the complexity of reality and into their emotions.” 

Anaís believes their acknowledgement of the current genocide helped the audience engage with the layered nuance of the moment: A crowd formed around them in response, and after the show, a line of concertgoers stood waiting to chat with them offstage. 

Over the past several years, through their reclamation of Quechua, as well as their learning to play charango, which they describe as “a colonial instrument with an indigenous twist,” the gravitational pull of Anaís’s music has become more and more explicitly oriented towards antifascism. Recently, they started a collective with some friends called RAWR (Rapid Arts Workers Response). The group takes vital information, such as migrant resources or local jail support numbers, and turns them into easy-to-remember musical jingles, which they then spread on social media.They describe their determination to use social media as a tool for subversion, rather than ego.

“In the music industry at this point, even in the indie music world, the obligation to use social media makes me feel like colonialism is at my throat,” they say. “I don't want to feel like I'm aspiring towards viral reels. I want my music to touch people. I want my music to be heard, because I do believe in the healing powers of it, because it has healing for me, and I believe that that will have healing for others.” 

AV María

A black and white photo of AV María, seemingly mid-word. Her hair is tied back in a high, messy bun; she's wearing earrings, a choker, and a slightly longer necklace.
(Photo by Alana Serbiá, courtesy of AV María.)

An indigenous Puerto Rican trans woman, AV María spent her early adulthood studying photography in New York before returning to Puerto Rico in the devastating aftermath of Hurricane María in 2017.

“I was just really disturbed the whole event,” she says. “It was hard to see my family struggle, queer folk struggling on the island, and I chose to come back. I've been here for seven years now.” 

Hurricane María’s aftereffects were horrendously compounded by the supreme neglect of the colonizing U.S. government, both in Washington, DC, and through locally installed politicians; some of which the island still deals with today. Once home, AV María began to pursue music, in part with the goal of lyrically confronting these same oppressive power regimes. In 2020, she worked with renowned reggaeton producer, Eduardo Cabra, to release her first single, “Casablanca,” which is an indictment of colonial government structures as a whole. She was invited in 2024 to perform “Casablanca” at Transmission, which is New York City’s premiere trans music fest.

Since then, AV María has become known for her catchy, feminist, political music and videos, such as the sapphic anthem, “TOTONKA!" She’s now working on an album that focuses on her internal landscape, which, she says, these days, often looks like rage, depression, and sadness, largely due to the state of the world. 

“It's very hard to feel helpless when such brute power is in control,” she says. “I have my own personal powers, you know, but as a Puerto Rican trans woman I feel like I don’t have any real systemic power. That's been really, really, really hard; to balance out hopelessness and hope. Sometimes it's difficult to imagine a future in which we all still exist.”

To cope with these feelings, she communes with nature, and with other trans and non-binary people, something essential to her well-being.

“I also feel like having a non-binary philosophy is very important in decolonizing our systems, so I definitely try and really embed it into my music and my writing,” she says.

slic

A portrait of slic, sitting in a folding chair in front of a white brick wall. They have a greige blazer with a fishnet insert draped over one shoulder, and are wearing what appears to be a long skirt/pants with slits throughout. They're looking at the camera.
(Photo by Corey Jermaine, courtesy of slic.)

Originally from Caracas, Venezuela, slic grew up in Florida before attending Amherst College in Massachusetts. At school, they had a political awakening while participating in student protests during the Black Lives Matter uprisings of 2014, and after graduating, moved to New York City, where they’ve remained politically active ever since.

“In 2020, between COVID and the uprisings, I shifted what matters to me, what I pay attention to, and what kinds of relationships I have with people,” slic says.

These days, slic is a hyperpop musician, producer, DJ, and video editor. They spend a large amount of their time organizing for tenants’ rights in New York City, as well as using their performances and social media platforms  to draw attention to Israel’s U.S.-funded genocide of Palestinians and to raise money for their friend in Gaza. They say that, both as an artist and a person, community is what keeps them going.

“I have a lot more people in my life now than I did in 2019 who share my values; share my politics,” slic says. “Now, if I see an opportunity to act on something politically, I have the ability to do something about it because I've built relationships with people who will join me.”

Lately, slic has been turning to traditional Venezuelan music as blueprints for both communal creativity and strength. They are drawing inspiration from Afro-Venezuelan tambores, which arrived to the Americas with enslaved Africans and is used as a tool for communication, community, and spirituality; and tonadas de ordeño, a style of Venezuelan “work songs,” which are traditionally sung communally to calm cows during the milking process.  

“I was always looking for a way to feel less alienated. The way that we organize life [in America]—the individualism of it, the commodification—I think art can do things to break that,” says slic.

Dania

A portrait of Dania. She is leaning on a stool with a vase holding yellow flowers atop it. She's wearing gold earrings and a dark green long-sleeved top, and is looking off-camera.
(Photo by Adam Ginsberg, courtesy of Dania.)

Based in New York City, Syrian/Croatian American singer/songwriter Dania used to spend her summers in Syria before the war. But ever since the fall of Bashar al-Assad’s regime last year, she’s been feeling a lot of mixed emotions about what the future holds for Syrians, as a whole. 

“I don't think anyone truly understands what Syrians went through over the last…however many years,” she says. “I’m happy Assad is gone. He destroyed so many families, including my own; so I feel a cautious hope, [but] then also worry. ‘Tumultuous’ is the best word to describe what I’m feeling.”

To counter feelings of hopelessness, Dania uses her growing career and platform to amplify the causes that matter to her. She prefers to perform at community events, including solidarity and aid fundraising efforts for places like Palestine and Syria. But, beyond that, she says that her music helps her cope with her feelings about the world; it also helps her process her emotions and contextualize them, and herself, within her various cultural identities. 

Arab femininity factors heavily into Dania’s highly aestheticized music, videos, and performances. Influenced by the 1970s, she makes use of rich, traditional color palettes and vintage fashion motifs from throughout the Arab world. On her Instagram, she talks about being a curvy woman, and the importance of valuing cultural beauty standards beyond Eurocentric thinness. In 2024, she released a song called “Listen,” whose main refrain contains the line,Arab girls always pretty. She performed “Listen” at a recent block party in Queens, and was overjoyed at the response from the crowd.

“There were these young Arab girls there. And when I performed the song, I got to see them dance around to, Arab girls always pretty,’ and it was so affirming,” she says. “I was like, ‘This is what I want to do. This is the moment that I'm working for.’”

Amita Vempati

A photo of Amita Vempati, mid-performance. She is in profile, on her knees, with her head thrown back; wrapped in fabric, a sheer panel covering her face.
(Photo by Benjamin Loveless, courtesy of Amita Vempati.)

Amita Vempati is an Indian American singer and the Development Manager for Artistic Freedom Initiative, which is a nonprofit that helps refugee artists throughout the world in their relocation efforts. 

For several years prior, she worked as a program coordinator for the Brooklyn Raga Massive, a collective of musicians focused on creating events, albums, and education within classical South Asian music. Through her recent work with the collective, Amita helped produce several series showcasing artists from marginalized South Asian communities, an experience that she says helped her understand her own identity as a descendent of a more privileged Indian caste. 

“I think many people don't know this, but the dynamics of castes, and the system of socioeconomic segregation, really follow people into the diaspora and become trends here, too,” she says.

In addition to her community work, Amita describes undergoing a personal evolution rooted in music. Born with a natural love of performing, she was raised to believe that in order to be worthy of getting on stage, she had to be a nearly “perfect” musician. They were also confronted with devaluations of non-Western art. 

She recalls a time when her parents encouraged her to quit Indian classical music. “They said that colleges would prefer [if I played] Western classical violin,” Amita says.

Amita says that she internalized capitalist and colonialist standards of perfection that hindered her from being able to see their true artistic potential.

Now in her thirties, Amita is a very serious student of folkloric musical traditions from the Balkans, Turkey, and India, and travels the world to perform in various festivals and choirs. She is passionate about advocating for folkloric art as an incredibly valuable human asset: a site of both cultural preservation, and an opportunity for cross-cultural connection. As an artist and someone who works in the industry of folkloric performance arts, Amita stresses the need for both individual artists, and arts institutions, to be consciously anti-colonial.

“It’s really critical that when you engage in an art form, you strive to become aware of everything that that art form brings in its practice,” she says. “That can include anything, down to the composition, the form, the space that you're performing in, the audience that you're performing for.”

[post_title] => How to Be an Anti-Colonial Musician [post_excerpt] => For these five artists, creation is an act of resistance, and anti-colonialism is the methodology. [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => closed [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => anti-colonialism-musicians-artists-anais-azul-av-maria-slic-dania-amita-vempati-music [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2025-11-25 23:14:23 [post_modified_gmt] => 2025-11-25 23:14:23 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://conversationalist.org/?p=9778 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )
An illustration of a trumpet on a blue background. The bell is replaced with the end of a speakerphone.

How to Be an Anti-Colonial Musician

WP_Post Object
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    [ID] => 9104
    [post_author] => 15
    [post_date] => 2025-11-18 21:59:25
    [post_date_gmt] => 2025-11-18 21:59:25
    [post_content] => 

I've gotten exhausted with the ways that convenience culture has shifted what we find acceptable when it comes to waste.

Soapbox is a series where people make the case for the sometimes surprising things they feel strongly about.

On the streets near my house, there are lines of tree stumps, left over from diseased elms that had to be cut down. Some people have made the most of these hollowed out stumps by planting flowers inside them, or scattering seashells around the base. Some have even used them to create elaborate shrines for their dead loved ones. Others, meanwhile, have taken a different approach, filling the hole in the center of the stumps with beer cans, cigarette ends, and banana skins, treating the stumps like organic trash cans. 

Randa l. Kachef and Michael A. Chadwick, researchers at King’s College London, have coined a term for this phenomenon: polite littering. Other examples include a person placing their litter on a wall or in a hedge, or somewhere almost near a trash can, but not quite in one. I know about this phenomenon, and this term, because I have thought a lot about the psychology of people who litter in recent years, and what, if anything, can be done to change it, both on a local and global scale.

There is a certain type of person who sees a hole and perceives it to be a trash can, where others have seen the potential for a garden. But having spent the last couple of years campaigning with my local councillors to tackle litter in my immediate area, I know that the issue isn’t unique to either my three-block radius or even my (unfortunately pretty filthy) country. Human beings and the things they dump are having a devastating impact on the planet. Where infrastructure cannot keep up with increasing numbers of people and waste, trash cans overflow. The rate at which we produce plastic, and waste more generally, means that a great deal of it will escape our hands and end up in nature or creating garbage islands. Litter and plastic waste have been found in the deepest parts of the ocean and on the tallest mountains. Litter has even been found in places humans have never been

While daunting, this doesn’t mean that the issue is out of our individual hands. On the contrary, it only makes our individual efforts all the more important. I live near the beach, and in the summer, we get a lot of tourists. Many of them are respectful and take their waste to the trash cans just a few meters away from the shore. A few, however, will litter in the most egregious way, leaving inflatable boats, bottles, and even the waste from an entire picnic rotting in the sun behind them. This summer, over 24 tons of trash was cleared from our beach over just two weekends

Of course, not everyone who litters is so flagrant. But every day, people who consider themselves to be polite, upstanding citizens will leave napkins, banana skins, or orange peels on our pebble beach, and when confronted, will use nonsense words like “biodegradable” instead of the most fitting one, “lazy.” I’ve often had to make several trips back and forth with someone else’s sandwich wrappers, drink cans, and dirty napkins while sunbathers sit and watch. I’ve even fished band-aids, croissant wrappers, and takeout packaging out of the sea from a paddleboard. 

I won’t bore you with tales of every dirty diaper I have found in a beach parking lot. But suffice to say, I have gotten pretty exhausted with the ways that convenience culture and our incessant waste seem to have shifted what we find acceptable. There is a cognitive dissonance inherent to littering, a short-sightedness wherein a person cannot think more than a few minutes into the future. Littering, and convenience culture overall, affects all of us in the longterm, and yet many people still choose the instant gratification of no longer having a Big Mac wrapper in their car over waiting to throw it away once they reach their destination. 

There are places I have visited and loved that seem to sadly be crumbling under the weight of their own litter and waste: Paris, Los Angeles, New York, London, Athens. It isn’t only major cities, either. On Crete, an island in Greece, the first thing I saw when I arrived at the airport was trash. Everywhere. That continued: at the side of the road, in the ocean, on the beaches. Some places were untouched, but only because they were in the middle of nowhere. I couldn’t believe it. Crete was, in many ways, the most beautiful place I had ever seen, and I wanted everyone else to have the reverence and respect for it that I did, so that others could enjoy it, too. But when I looked down from a sunset mountain view to the streets of the small village I was staying in, all I saw was trash. 

The consequences of throwaway culture are also rarely felt by the people who most egregiously participate in it. Beyond litter in our streets, the countries who produce the most devastating volumes of waste are often not the ones who feel its true impact. In much of the western world, our waste is shipped to other countries, creating an overwhelming crisis in places like Indonesia, Vietnam, Ghana, and Kenya—destroying the environments of countries that simply do not have the infrastructure to handle our onslaught.

I have been trying to understand why litter is so out of control and why so many people do it, and my only answer is convenience and laziness, combined with the fact that we just have so much more waste and single-use plastic than ever before. Yet an abundance of litter is as much a cultural problem as it is an environmental one: There are also major cities that manage to keep their trash under control. In Tokyo, there are very few public bins, due to the 1995 sarin gas attack. Instead, people simply carry their litter around until they find one, or even bag up their waste throughout the day and take it home. This diligence, this refusal to give up and just put down a Pocari Sweat bottle because they’d been holding it for a few minutes, was a welcome reprieve. This isn’t to say I didn’t see any litter in all of Tokyo. But overall, I believe most of us have much to learn from the city and its people.

Other countries have also made similar strides in their relationships to litter. Sweden sends just 1% of its waste to landfill, using half of its garbage to create energy. When I visited Las Canarias, in Tenerife and Lanzarote, I saw city workers out every single day cleaning trash from the side of the road. Hoping to deter foreigners from contributing more, signs begged tourists not to litter and to respect the islands’ unique volcanic environment. Tenerife even has fines of up to 3,000 euros for littering. 

I would hope that seeing people take such great pride in their home would deter even the most ardent litterbug. But maybe that’s part of the problem: I’ve never found that same pride when I come home. The answers are there, but countries like the US and UK are just not prioritizing solving the problem—or sometimes, even asking the right questions.

Litter has been found in 90% of the UK. We are a small island, but we still can’t manage to keep it clean. Our roadsides, waterways, and countrysides are filthy, particularly compared to neighbouring countries, and there is no motivation to change it at either a government or local level. It also seems like nobody really cares to. When I look at other countries and wonder why they’re cleaner, I know that no small part of it comes down to better infrastructure, organization, and funding for waste clearance and street cleaning. But a lot of it is pride, too—and with it, genuine care. 

There isn’t a straightforward answer to fixing our monumental global litter problem, particularly when we only keep creating and wasting more. But to start, we need our governments to invest in better waste management, to prioritize circularity, and to devote infrastructure and resources to tackling waste, not only on our streets, but throughout every country. We need corporations who relentlessly produce single-use crap to be held to account and restrained. 

Sadly, we can’t make someone care about something that just isn’t a priority for them, and the same is true of our governments. But beyond lobbying and campaigning and voting tactically, we can all make a small difference at home. If more of us took control of our own waste and took pride in our own small parts of the world and the ones that we visit, perhaps we might actually begin to make some difference in cleaning up our mess.

[post_title] => There's No Such Thing as Polite Littering [post_excerpt] => I've gotten exhausted with the ways that convenience culture has shifted what we find acceptable when it comes to waste. [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => closed [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => soapbox-littering-trash-environmental-impact-climate-change-global-warming-waste-garbage-islands-opinion [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2025-11-18 21:59:36 [post_modified_gmt] => 2025-11-18 21:59:36 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://conversationalist.org/?p=9104 [menu_order] => 6 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )
A bright, colorful illustration of a woman in a chartreuse pant suit and hiking boots, running through the forest with a hiking stick towards a body of water on the other side of a fence. Next to her is a spotted dog. She's surrounded by trees, a stag, and an old man lounging up against a hill. All around them are balanced pieces of trash: on the branches, on each person/creature, on the fence.

There’s No Such Thing as Polite Littering

WP_Post Object
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    [ID] => 9722
    [post_author] => 15
    [post_date] => 2025-11-04 14:12:36
    [post_date_gmt] => 2025-11-04 14:12:36
    [post_content] => 

Queer relationship visibility isn’t good enough if all it does is replicate heteronormative approaches.

Soapbox is a series where people make the case for the sometimes surprising things they feel strongly about.

Like any faithful reality TV fangirly, I dutifully invest many hours of my brief and precious human life into my little shows. I dwell unabashedly in the cult of reality standom: My housecleaning rituals include day-long marathons of shows like Vanderpump Rules or 90 Day Fiancé, where I empty my closets and scrub my floorboards to the tune of a full season, filling my home with the sounds of strangers’ arguments, diary cam thoughts, and curated confessionals. 

For me, this isn’t just entertainment. I am endlessly fascinated by human relationship dynamics, and the belief systems that shape them. Much of reality television serves as my personal laboratory for examining these phenomena in action—and I absorb every minute with rapture. This is especially true within my favorite subgenre of all, reality romance, which I find particularly compelling because of the ways it reveals the ubiquity of heteronormativity in our collective consciousness. It’s also why I think we are long overdue for more queer reality romance—including shows that actually explore queer relationship frameworks, rather than just LGBTQ+ casting.

From classics like The Bachelor and Rock of Love to contemporary hits like Love is Blind, shows where total strangers form attachments to one another and make legally binding commitments in intense, pressurized, and unnatural situations are canonical. They’re also historically very heterosexual, something that hasn’t changed even as casting has diversified. 

Accurate, dynamic queer representation across all media is essential, and desperately overdue. Thanks to LGBTQ+ reality shows like Tampa Baes, The Real L Word, and the I Kissed a Boy franchise, we’ve finally been able to see a variety of sexualities and genders normalized in a dating context. And thank goodness! But as entertaining as these programs might be, queer relationship visibility isn’t good enough if all it does is replicate heteronormative approaches—and when it comes to relationships where personal autonomy and romantic intimacy are successfully balanced, these shows are falling short. 

With its second season out last summer, breakout hit The Ultimatum: Queer Love might be the most popular of the LGBTQ+ reality romance genre, both for queer and straight viewers alike. It’s also a strong (and, for better or worse, incredibly entertaining) case study in the pitfalls of dropping queer contestants into heterosexual dating frameworks, especially on a global stage. The plot features five couples on the lesbian spectrum who have reached an impasse in their relationships—one partner wants to get married, the other does not, and the former has issued the latter an ultimatum: Marry me, or we’re breaking up. 

The show aims to “help” castmates gain clarity about their present dilemma by presenting them with an opportunity to explore partnership with someone new. But not just anyone new: Castmates date each other. 

In front of the partners they arrived with. 

Participants have one week to select a new partner, and then immediately move in with that person for a three week “trial marriage,” which some of the new couples consummate. They then each move back in with their original partner for another three week “trial marriage” before decision day. 

The end goal is either for castmates to leave the show engaged—whether to their original partner, or to someone they just met under fast, furious, and fantastical circumstances—or, if they’re still not ready to commit, to walk away single. And of course, things go off without a hitch, everyone is super mature about everything, and no one ends up brokenhearted or publicly humiliated.

Now, maybe this plotline conjures images of the chaotic, toxic, and mysteriously elusive “U-Haul lesbian”. Yet that instinct would be misguided: In reality, The Ultimatum: Queer Love is a spin-off of The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On, a pre-existing show with the exact same premise, but a heterosexual cast. 

When the main focus of a show is for participants to “find love,” however, especially when the premise pressures them into making quick decisions about marriage or monogamy, the ghastly, unflattering light of patriarchy spares no one—something the landscape of LGBTQ+ reality romance makes clear. This is also one reason why copy-pasting heteronormative relationship frameworks onto a queer cast is particularly dangerous. On the whole, as a society, we are not trained to recognize misogyny when it doesn’t come from cis men, something that can quickly translate into queerphobia: When queer folks embody patriarchal values, people around them may be tempted to blame queerness, rather than patriarchy, for any ensuing problematic behavior. Queer people struggle enough with this inside our own communities already; something that compounds when media about us continuously reiterates stereotypes about gender, power, and control. This is particularly visible in reality television, from the lesbian sex scenes that border on soft porn, to the queer fuckbros whose predatory behavior towards femmes goes largely unconfronted, to cis women whose emotional abuse of their femme, masc, and genderqueer partners does not ring alarm bells the way it would if a cis man were behaving the same way.

The entire Ultimatum franchise is part of a robust and patriarchal legacy within the genre, where marriage is treated as an achievement, especially for women and femmes, and prioritized over everything, even at the expense of healthy bonds and connections. But to simply recycle the plotlines of heteronormative reality shows and transpose them onto a queer cast is not only creatively lazy; it exposes the errors of these shows’ premises at their core. 

“[R]eality television…has created a falsified account of how certain people are meant to behave, communicate and love, and the majority of the victims to these production tactics are women,” wrote Lindsey Spencer in a 2022 article for the Michigan Daily.

Where patriarchal marriage is the prize, women and LGBTQ+ folks will always get the short end of the stick, even when they “win.” I’m not knocking marriage as an institution—big fan, actually—but patriarchal marriage? One where gender is, whether consciously or unconsciously, viewed as binary, and where partners and/or traits perceived as “feminine” are subjugated to partners viewed as “masculine”? Where the praxis of the relationship itself eliminates the possibility of true intimacy? Where my partner and I are beholden to monogamy, rather than deciding whether we want to choose it anew, as the seasons of our lives unfold? 

Ew, no.

This is also precisely why I believe we’d all benefit from some more queering of reality romance. What if, instead of watching people wrestle their partners into making high-stakes commitments, audiences were offered a window into a cast of queers exploring alternative frameworks and modalities for love and connection? Reality fans would still get to absorb all the juicy human drama we hold so dear, but we’d also get to witness people grow and change in ways for which current plotlines don’t allow. 

In the current season of The Ultimatum: Queer Love, for example, an interesting situation cropped up during the initial re-shuffling of couples that might have played out very differently outside of the show’s rigid framework. A mutual attraction developed between one participant, Pilar, and both halves of one original couple, Kyle and Bridget. When, independently of one another, the pair learned that Pilar was interested in them both, they each encouraged her to explore the other, vouching for each other’s radness.

The show’s most visibly genderqueer couple so far, Kyle and Bridget already stood out from the pack. But they were also, in my opinion, the most mutually respectful couple the show has seen—something made clear throughout the season. Eventually, Pilar and Kyle selected one another for the trial marriage, and Bridget ended up with someone else. After Pilar and Kyle shared a kiss during their time together, Kyle quickly disclosed it to Bridget once they were reunited for their own “trial marriage.” While Bridget was visibly miffed, she and Kyle continued to have productive, open, and tender communication as they worked through a difficult conversation. 

It was an intriguing plot line, for sure, and played out as healthily as it could have within the scope of the show. But how much more interesting would it have been to watch Pilar, Kyle, and Bridget explore what it might be like to date as a trio? Or to watch them even have that discussion? I wonder how they may have all impacted each other’s lives differently, and whether stronger friendships or romances could have blossomed if they hadn’t been confined to the show’s rules.

Something as simple as that could have changed not only the trajectory of the contestants’ lives but, arguably, perhaps the trajectory of a viewer’s life, too. Witnessing couples undertake that type of exploration, safely and from a place of mutual trust, could be the very representation that some viewers need, queer or straight. It could also be a gateway for them to learn about their own relationship preferences, or even expose them to the fact that alternatives are possible. 

Beyond that, this more expansive approach would bring us closer to true representation, not just its bare minimum. The reality romance industry profits greatly from our identities, and queer viewers deserve something beyond an “LGBTQ+” label on the dropdown menu of our favorite streaming sites. After decades of witnessing countless reality stars run the hamster wheel of heteropatriarchy, I, personally, am ready for something a bit more nuanced—and, frankly, a lot more queer.

[post_title] => Why Isn't LGBTQ+ Reality TV More... Queer? [post_excerpt] => Queer relationship visibility isn’t good enough if all it does is replicate heteronormative approaches. [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => closed [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => lgbtq-reality-television-tv-dating-shows-the-ultimatum-queer-love-representation [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2025-11-04 14:12:40 [post_modified_gmt] => 2025-11-04 14:12:40 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://conversationalist.org/?p=9722 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )
An illustration of a wedding cake with a rainbow of colors in the background. At the top of the cake is a cake topper with a queer couple, both wearing suits, leaning towards one another for a kiss; both holding bouquets behind their back. In their shadow, we see a heteronormative couple, with one wearing a wedding dress.

Why Isn’t LGBTQ+ Reality TV More… Queer?

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    [post_date] => 2025-10-28 19:30:22
    [post_date_gmt] => 2025-10-28 19:30:22
    [post_content] => 

Now, more than ever, we need art to do the heavy lifting of defining our values.

Cultural Currency is a bi-monthly romp through the intersection of art and capital with writer Cara Marsh Sheffler. 

In the art world this year, many a gallery’s story has ended with Chapter 11. For those who’ve been paying attention, this wasn’t surprising. Art sales are slipping everywhere, down as much as 35% at Art Basel. This month, the Financial Times reported that blue chip Hauser & Wirth’s London profits have slid a staggering 90%. August mid-tier galleries have begun shuttering with alarming frequency: Blum, Kasmin, and Venus Over Manhattan, to name a few. For artists and galleries alike, the walls are literally and metaphorically caving in: the model of an entire industry predicated on selling to a few rich people is no longer working.  

When the hero’s journey comes to its final chapter, a certain existential reckoning occurs. The life and death of ideas is very real: many far outlive their usefulness, and perhaps one that needs to die right now is the idea that art should exist on the market principally as a financial tool. Art fairs are expensive, rents are obscene, and a global economic downturn accented with the panic and chaos of trade wars and ethno-nationalism all point toward the necessity of conservative budgets and cost-cutting. Yes, the tie between money, power, and art is irrefutable, the backbone and lifeblood of art history. But as the midtier market collapses, it might be nice to finally unfuck the gap between the hand-to-mouth life of the artist and the value of art in the market, beginning with a trial separation—at least as a thought exercise—between money and art. 

Now, more than ever, we need art to do the heavy lifting of defining our values. Alternative thought is essential when the capitalistic world has agreed—with zero referendum—that artificial thought is in any way preferential or superior. By subscribing to the centrism that masquerades as progressivism in the United States, the art world lost touch with the political landscape and, with that disorientation, any ability to question it. Amid the art market highs and market-oriented inclusivity, art has also lost its critical capacity.

But what is the value of art that cannot be sold? What might be the purpose of art that is simply not meant to sit aside a red dot? Historically, of course, we have performance art and Situationism, along with their descendants. But, beyond art that is merely difficult to commodify, what does an expression of cultural values look like when consciously uncoupled from the art market? 

I pondered these questions as I walked around my favorite show I have seen all year, Lydia Eccles’ “Jokes About Bombs Will Not Be Taken Lightly,” which was up at Goswell Road, an artist-run space in Paris, from May 15 until June 14. In 1995, Eccles, a Boston-based artist, had one hell of an idea for an art project. Rather than taking a ho-hum trip to the supply store, she nominated the Unabomber—at the height of his anonymous reign of terror—in the 1996 US presidential election. The show was a documentation of that campaign and the ensuing pen-pal relationship Eccles formed with Ted Kaczynski after his arrest and throughout his incarceration. 

Conceptual art has given us everything from Chris Burden having a friend shoot him to Agnes Denes turning a strip of downtown Manhattan to a wheatfield. Art in this vein pushes what can be a canvas for expression: the human body, landfill. But never before had I seen an artist decide their chosen medium was a presidential election. By participating in the political arena with all the familiar trappings of the era—signs, slogans, bumper stickers, and even a dedicated camera crew—Eccles showed a presidential campaign for what it is: an hysterical circus that plays to our basest fears, one where infamy and fame are interchangeable. 

Eccles documents the Unabomber’s “run” alongside his more literal run from the law and the dance he did with the media, most notably and implausibly with Bob Guccione. Her prolific campaigning warranted its own inane and disturbingly underinformed coverage. At one point in the winter of 1996, WRKO radio reported, “There are more Unabomber signs than there are for Clinton, Gore, or all the Republicans, so it looks like the Unabomber is leading in this precinct.” In a time of Luigi Mangione fandom and a renewed, bi-partisan interest in Kaczynski, “Jokes About Bombs” offered a riveting, prescient, wholly prophetic anti-capitalist critique of technology’s role in a broken political system. The phrase “artistic intervention” has been worn out to the point of farce, but Eccles had staged one in a presidential election and a federal manhunt. 

I had to own the catalogue. 

But: how to get it home??? The cover showed an old-fashioned political sign stuck in sludgy snow amid a warren of placards for Bob Dole and Pat Buchanan:

DON’T WASTE YOUR VOTE!
Write-in for President
UNABOMBER ’96
If elected he will not serve 
★ VOTE AGAINST REPUBLICANS
★ VOTE AGAINST DEMOCRATS
★ VOTE AGAINST CORPORATE TECHNOLOGY
All you have to lose is the political illusion…
ARE YOU READY FOR THE RUPTURE?

I imagined myself at customs, declaring this tome. Anthony Stephenson, the gallery’s convivial proprietor, asked me if it would be so terrible to be stuck in France forever. He had a point. Still, I demurred and, frankly, chickened out of buying a book I really wanted to own. 

In my own cowardice, I recognized that Eccles’ show was lightning in a bottle, and that my own hesitation indicated that I was in the presence of something genuinely avant-garde. I’d been conditioned to the shopping malls of art fairs, swapping out the Orange Julius and TCBY of my New Jersey childhood for the (aptly named) Ruinart Champagne Lounge. Despite my arty existence, in that moment of contact, I realized that coming across art that is actually outré (if you like your French cultural theory) or verboten (if you prefer your Germans), and has purpose, simply had not been my experience of most galleries where, at best, I sigh and think “Gee, if only I had a cool $30K lying around…” Like the idea of owning its catalogue, the show itself freaked me out a bit. I felt alive in my mind and privileged to be in the room, as well as to meet Eccles herself. 

In its early pages, the catalogue for “Jokes About Bombs” contains the text of a speech James Baldwin gave in 1962, “Art is here to prove, and to help one bear, the fact that all safety is an illusion. All artists are divorced from and even opposed to necessarily any system whatever.” These are, of course, the sorts of moral standards we expect whenever we read James Baldwin, who had a sixth sense for integrity the way sea turtles and migratory birds can use the earth’s magnetic fields for navigation. While I ultimately left the catalogue behind, as spring turned to summer, I let his words guide my art viewing. 

I came across two moral stand-outs in London. The first was Ed Atkins at the Tate Britain, best known for his computer-generated, incredibly unsettling videos that plumb the uncanny valley. Atkins has been exploring the genre for decades, well ahead of AI moral and economic panic. Seeing his career retrospective made me think of a Democracy Now interview I saw with Karen Hao, who pointed out that, as we have no agreed-upon scientific definition of human intelligence, what, exactly, is Artificial Intelligence? Is it merely a projection of our perceived notion of intelligence, skewed entirely by capitalistic values? Are we creating “intelligent” bots with the same level of foresight and ethical depth as rare dog breeds concocted by bored, rich people that are so helpless they cannot even fuck on their own? (A sharp new ad for Merriam-Webster slyly posits their dictionary as an LLM and ends with the tagline, “There’s artificial intelligence, and then there is actual intelligence.”) 

The second stand-out was “Leigh Bowery!” at the Tate Modern, a retrospective of fashion and nightclubbing as artistic expression. The text at the entrance to the exhibit read: “In his brief life Bowery was described as many things. Among them: fashion designer, club monster, human sculpture, nude model, vaudeville drunkard, anarchic auteur, pop surrealist, clown without a circus, piece of moving furniture, modern art on legs. However, he declared, ‘if you label me, you negate me,’ and always refused classification, commodification, and conformity.” The show was a riveting reminder of transgression and artistic expression in the face of AIDS, discrimination, and the rise of conservatism—and a call for the same as we face rising global authoritarianism today. In an era where fashion often feels like the reductio ad absurdum of vapid aspirational mass consumption amid our ever more precarious existences, online and in debt, Bowery’s ability to imbue costume with so much intellectual ambition and drive floored me. 

These three exhibitions were recentering as reminders that art’s purpose—its true value—shouldn’t be monetary. Moreover, those figures don’t mean much just before a crash, when the numbers game is more of a hiding-the-real-numbers game. While blue chip galleries and their deep war chests can ride out the chaos for now, Hauser & Wirth’s stumble may tell us otherwise. 

Right now, it is vital to uncouple cultural values from the marketplace. Commercial worth has always been baked into ideologies that align with power, whether you’re talking about royal court painters or the CIA and Abstract Expressionism. The market then reinforces that notion of value over and over again in a way that resonates into institutions and educational systems. Yes, that art market is experiencing a downturn that might spell collapse for many. It won’t be pleasant. However, chaos presents an opportunity for a reappraisal, and for finding what was lost. I would argue that—whether you love it or hate it—art that passes the Baldwin litmus test is a great place to start understanding what art with a valid critical stance looks like at this very moment in time. 

Such art demands the same moral clarity from its viewers, too: I did return to Goswell Road this summer, and I bought the catalogue for “Jokes About Bombs Will Not Be Taken Lightly.” Despite my concerns, the book made it home through customs.

[post_title] => The Value of Art That Can't Be Sold [post_excerpt] => Now, more than ever, we need art to do the heavy lifting of defining our values. [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => closed [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => cultural-currency-value-art-cant-be-sold-galleries-profits-economy-goswell-road-lydia-eccles [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2025-10-28 19:30:26 [post_modified_gmt] => 2025-10-28 19:30:26 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://conversationalist.org/?p=9725 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )
A photograph from the exhibition "Jokes About Bombs Will Not Be Taken Lightly" at the gallery Goswell Road, depicting the work of Lydia Eccles from her election campaign for the Unabomber in 1995-96. A bunch of paper ephemera on the wall, including photos, fliers, and bumper stickers. In the middle is a lawn sign that reads "America is voting for for the UNABOMBER".

The Value of Art That Can’t Be Sold

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    [post_date] => 2025-10-22 17:42:39
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    [post_content] => 

Why eating disorders are so prevalent in Latinx and AAPI communities in the U.S.

It was a summer morning in 2001 when 11-year-old Elizabeth Moscoso realized her body was growing in width "unlimitedly." Before puberty, her figure had been slim, smooth, and long. But in recent months, it had become almost unrecognizable, as if it did not belong to her; her body suddenly covered in thick, black hair, and curves where there had once been straight lines. She desperately wanted to get rid of them. “This body…isn’t mine,” Moscoso, now 35, thought. That morning, she shared these thoughts with her mother, a Guatemalan immigrant who had moved to the United States decades prior. Leaving the kitchen, her mother returned and handed Elizabeth a solution: a dark gray faja.

A faja—a type of girdle that wraps tightly around the abdomen—is supposed to shape people’s, usually women’s, bodies to make them appear slimmer, giving them an hourglass figure. It’s also meant to increase sweating, and eventually, help with weight loss. Elizabeth wanted to feel pretty, and to her, that meant having a small waist, so she accepted her mom’s help and let her wrap her body in the faja. It was immediately uncomfortable; and soon, she began to sweat. Still, she felt determined: Elizabeth continued wearing the faja every day for the next month. 

“I hoped that this would work, like a cocoon, and that after a while, I would come out beautiful and different, more like I'd always wanted to be,” she says. 

Growing up, Elizabeth would watch Mexican telenovelas after school, enraptured by the beautiful women portrayed on screen. She also noticed a pattern: The women who found true and eternal love on these shows were usually pale, thin, and clean-shaven, their hair always perfectly curled. “Do I need to be like them to be loved?” she asked herself. But she wasn’t sure. Growing up in Southern California, in a Guatemalan and Ecuadorian household, she was surrounded by contradicting beauty standards. Her grandmother said beauty meant having curvy calves; her mom believed it was having hips and breasts, with a slim waist; her classmates believed it meant being extremely thin. Confused and desperate to fit in, it was around this time that Elizabeth began wearing the faja. 

Soon after, she also developed an eating disorder. Within a matter of months, Elizabeth had begun an extreme dieting regime, and would hide herself in baggy clothes—even in summer. She began using hair removal creams on her arms, and later began bleaching the hair blonde.

“I was feeling uncomfortable and confused because I didn’t see my white peers experiencing the same,” Elizabeth says. “But I wasn’t sure what was going on with me; I did not have the language. I wanted to stop restricting and exercising compulsively but I couldn’t.”

Unfortunately, Elizabeth’s experience struggling with Western beauty standards isn’t an uncommon one. A study by Florida International University found that Latinx and Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) communities have the highest rates of eating disorder (ED) symptoms in the United States. The main reason is that ethnic minority women who acculturate to Western society are at an increased risk of experiencing body dissatisfaction, due to contradicting beauty standards between their primary and assimilated cultures. In other words, people who come from non-American cultures—or were raised with traditions from other countries, like Elizabeth—often experience stress when trying to adopt the beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors of Western society in order to fit in with its dominant culture.

“For young people who need to feel like they belong to this country, physical appearance is often an element that provides a concrete way of knowing that if they lose weight, get thinner, and look like a white girl, then they will feel like they fit into this culture and be more accepted,” says Mae Lynn Reyes-Rodríguez, clinical psychologist and Associate Director of the Center of Excellence for Eating Disorders at University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill.

This is especially common in first-generation Americans, like Elizabeth, and immigrants who have lived more than 70% of their lives in the U.S., as highlighted in a study published by the International Journal of Eating Disorders. 

This pressure has only been exacerbated with the rise of social media in recent years, as beauty standards continuously shift at a lightning pace. In the late 2010s, the growth of the wellness industry, influencer culture, and beauty/fitness content shaped women's beauty ideals towards toned bodies achieved through exercise and "healthy" eating. But more recently, the rise of conservative aesthetics and the popularization of weight-loss medications like Ozempic have been shifting beauty standards again—this time toward bodies that are ultra-thin. 

Today, Western beauty ideals promote a teenage—even prepubescent—body, despite the reality that even during their teenage years, people often feel insecure about their bodies and want to change them.

Because thinness is the goal, disordered eating habits that result in dramatic weight loss often don’t raise concerns from clinicians, often delaying diagnoses and care for those who are suffering. In fact, when patients lose weight, many say they are praised for prioritizing their “health.” 

Clinicians also aren’t always able to see—nor do they actively look for—disordered eating symptoms in young women of color. 

“Providers are trained to look for eating disorders through a white, Western lens,” says Ana Gardner, a Latina clinical supervisor and therapist at Equip, an organization that provides ED treatment in the U.S. “So if somebody doesn't meet the typical profile, their symptoms might not be identified. There's research that primary care doctors are less likely to screen BIPOC patients for eating disorders, even when there are very clear symptoms present.”

Shikha Advani, 25, an Indian American woman who grew up in Michigan, experienced this firsthand: After she rapidly lost weight at 15 years old, her doctors began congratulating her at every routine check-up. 

Prior to that, growing up, Shikha had always had a larger body. Her family used to call her mota, the Hindi word for fat, and constantly gave her advice on why she needed to lose weight. Her classmates made fun of her in gym class because she couldn’t run, and taunted her with things like, “Why are you so slow?” or “You’re too big to keep up.” Sometimes it was more subtle: eye rolls, laughter, or whispers when she lagged behind. 

“It wasn’t constant, but it stuck with me because it singled me out and made me very aware of my body in a way that felt shaming,” Shikha says.

When she saw her classmates start dating in middle school, Shikha didn’t want to be left out. So she decided she would lose weight—no matter what. She joined the cheerleading team and became a flyer, started running, and restricted her food intake. As she lost weight, the people around her took notice. But despite her efforts, she wasn’t asked to the school dance and was unable to find a significant other—something that only reinforced her idea that she needed to make herself literally and figuratively smaller.  

Shikha had witnessed her mother go through a similar cycle of disordered eating when she was still just a baby. After 9/11, the "Global War on Terrorism" led to widespread racial and religious profiling of individuals perceived to be of Middle Eastern or South Asian descent. Her family was targeted.

“My mom wanted to stay small and take up less space, so she could assimilate to society and look like the white folks,” she says. “It was like that for me, as well. We wanted to matter less and to be seen less after all the trauma of 9/11.”

Now, Shikha has a tattoo on her right arm that says “take up space,” a reminder that the only way to help other people of color who experience EDs is by being visible and outspoken, something she tries to practice in her work today as an anti-diet nutritionist.

Shikha was initially drawn to this work because she wasn’t able to access the necessary resources for her own ED recovery—something common for many young people of color. In addition to prohibitive costs, ED recovery treatments in the U.S. also usually follow a Western approach that may reinforce the racism and sexism that contribute to these disorders in the first place. Gloria Lucas, founder of Nalgona Positivity Pride, an organization supporting people of color affected by ED, emphasizes that colonialism is deeply tied to the development and persistence of disordered eating in marginalized communities. It leads to food insecurity, the disruption of traditional food systems, the imposition of Eurocentric beauty standards, medical violence, and trauma from discrimination.

But even those who might accept a Westernized ED treatment often can’t access it. Most U.S. health insurance plans don’t cover the full cost of treatment. Medicaid is accepted by only a few ED clinics, and Medicare offers limited coverage and doesn’t include nutritional counseling.

“An eating disorder can be very expensive, especially depending on its severity,”  Reyes-Rodríguez says. “Treatments require a team-based approach; there must be a doctor, nutritionist, therapist, and often a psychiatrist. The later it is diagnosed, the more expensive it becomes as people would need more effort and resources.” 

For those who choose to pay for treatment out of pocket, the costs can quickly become prohibitive. Malena Román Giovanetti, 20, born and raised in San Juan, Puerto Rico, experienced this firsthand. Most of her childhood, she remained very healthy, but at 14 she began to struggle with disordered eating. At home, she watched as some of her relatives followed strict diets to modify their bodies; at school, she barely had any friends. Her ED became a coping mechanism to regain a sense of control. After four months, she told her mom, who quickly found the only clinic in San Juan—and the only clinic on the entire island of Puerto Rico—that offers ED treatment. It didn’t accept insurance, so her family paid out of pocket. Malena regained some weight, but continued to struggle with body dissatisfaction and intrusive thoughts. When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, she relapsed. Her family had to pay even more for online therapy.

“My parents went into a lot of debt and stuff to try to pay for my treatment,” Malena says. “It made me feel really bad.”

Guilt is one of the most common feelings shared amongst people experiencing an ED: guilt over expenses, guilt for breaking food rules, guilt for losing control, guilt for not meeting unrealistic standards, guilt for worrying others, and guilt for not being able to share joy with loved ones over food. 

This guilt is multiplied across many AAPI and Latinx cultures because, despite the diversity and heterogeneity between them, they share one thing in common: Food is central to family, and to social life. Food is celebration, love, community, and care. Rejecting a dish prepared by a relative is often perceived as rejecting their love and effort. These cultures are the vivid proof that food is more than just a biological need: It is a way to celebrate culture. But while joyful, these gatherings are also rife with body shaming and unfiltered commentary on physical appearance.

For Anoova Sattar, a 17-year-old Bangladeshi American, attending family gatherings became difficult when she developed her ED, because of her self-imposed food restrictions. Rice, for example, is a staple in Bangladeshi cuisine, but Anoova avoided it.

When eating with other Bangladeshi families, she felt anxious about being exposed to triggering foods and the inevitable comments about her weight. Everyone seemed happy that the once-chubby Anoova was now slender. But this didn’t stop them from commenting on what she was or wasn’t eating; and there was no space to talk about how she truly felt about any of it, or how much she was struggling.

“I've never been comfortable with the thought of seeking therapy,” Anoova says. “It's just never been something comfortable for me, because I don't really like sharing so much personal information with one person to help myself. If it helps others, then it's fine.”

To that end, Anoova recently founded a social media initiative called Shuno to raise awareness about EDs in the South Asian community. Through this project, she is working on a directory of South Asian ED providers in the U.S. But despite encouraging others to seek help, she continues to manage her ED on her own.

“Something common both in the AAPI and the Latinx communities is that there's a lot of stigma towards mental health,” says Gardner. “It's not always encouraged to seek out help or talk about it with others, and sometimes, depending on spirituality or cultural beliefs, it could be believed that it's that person's fault.”

For Anoova, visiting Bangladesh while dealing with her ED also brought a new layer of guilt.

“People there are concerned about getting access to food, because it controls whether or not they live or die,” Anoova says. “It’s a matter of life and death for them, but for me, here, appearance also becomes life or death, because eating disorders [anorexia] have the highest fatality rate among psychiatric illnesses.”

In the Global South, even those seeking help may quite literally lack the language to do so: The words for “eating disorder” simply do not exist in their mother tongue. Sometimes, however, this inability to translate it can be a means of self-protection, too. 

Julia, who requested we not include her last name for privacy reasons, moved from China to Nevada with her mom when she was four. As an only child, the only English speaker in her household, an Ivy League graduate, and someone who quickly landed a good job after school, Julia was her mother’s pride. But eventually, that burden started to grow heavy for Julia, as her mother’s expectations for her often extended beyond her accomplishments. 

Growing up, Julia's mother frequently commented on her appearance: Her skin wasn’t pale enough, her body wasn’t slim enough, her eyes needed to be wider. Her mother embodied the Chinese beauty standard and expected Julia to mirror it.

“It wasn’t malicious, but there were so many comments,” Julia says. “So in high school, I became super aware of my size. My mom said that as I was growing into a woman, I needed to be pretty to attract men.”

When Julia moved to New York City to study Sociology and Global Liberal Studies, living on her own meant she could make her own choices for the first time, without supervision. She began working out at the gym, purging, compensating, and dieting. When her mother saw her again, she congratulated her, saying she was finally learning to take care of herself. Her friends praised her, as well, admiring her discipline.

Julia has had an ED for nearly 10 years now, but only received a diagnosis five years ago—by accident. She had been struggling with ADHD and had sought medication and support. During an appointment with a therapist, she mentioned her eating habits, which is when she was formally diagnosed. 

“My doctor didn’t notice or ask anything about my eating habits—I told her,” Julia says. “I wasn’t expecting them to notice, because unless I was severely underweight or had abnormal bloodwork, I [didn’t] see why they would ask.”

Julia has shared her story on podcasts and on social media, but her family still doesn’t know about her diagnosis. Since they don’t speak English or use social media, she’s been able to keep it hidden.

“I literally don’t know the word for eating disorder in Chinese,” Julia says. “And honestly, I don’t know how I’d ever bring it up. Culturally, my mom’s response would be like, ‘Oh, why would you do that?’ There would be no productive conversation. At a certain point, you have to accept that there are conversations you’ll never be able to have with them because of a cultural gap. And I’m kind of okay with it.”

Julia wrote her mom a poem—of love and detachment on her expectations on Julia’s appearance, of recognizing her mother while also recognizing herself:

“She says she is waning
That she withers while I blossom
But I’m just barely budding
While she lives in full bloom

I’m not as slender
I don’t share the same curls
Ruby red never suited me
Yet she colors my world
She made me bold and unafraid
Like her, I won’t break nor bend
For I am woven from her threads
Just as strong, from start to end.”

As people constantly reminded that they don’t belong, Latinx and AAPI folks in the U.S. face a mental battle over how beauty, health, food, exercise, medicine, and relationships should look. Trying to preserve their heritage while fitting in, trying to be the fulfillment of the American Dream while being appreciated and seen like everyone else—that burden has never been easy to carry. But through the acceptance of diversity and community building, perhaps we might collectively begin to bend towards a more gentle world, one where people don’t merely focus on their physical appearance, but on the joy that food, movement, and social networks inspire.

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A Cocoon for Us to Fit In

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Season 2 is out now.

We're back!

Conversationalist readers and listeners, after a long hiatus, I'm so excited to share that season 2 of The Conversationalist Podcast (formerly known as Unbreaking Media) is back. Hosting our podcast has been a great professional joy for me, and it’s been an honor bringing the same depth, care, and human connection that we put into every article on our site into honest, informative conversations with our expert guests on the show. At a time when the free press is under attack around the globe—as corporate media increasingly bows under pressure from authoritarian governments—I treasure the space we've created as a feminist, independent nonprofit for stories and conversations that matter.

This season, we're also introducing something new: half our episodes will feature some of our favorite articles, read by the writers themselves. You'll hear their words, in their own voices, the way they were meant to be heard. The other half of the season will feature original interviews with folks working on the front lines of the issues we care about—from climate justice to reproductive health to fighting back against kleptocracy. We can't wait for you to hear them.

Listen to season 2 below, and subscribe now wherever you get your podcasts.

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Amazon Music | Simplecast | Pocket Casts | RSS Feed

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An illustrator of two women in sweatsuits, one wearing a patching purple set (facing towards the viewer) and the other in a matching blue sweatsuit (facing away from the viewer). They're sitting on green grass with a pink cloud and pink-to-yellow sky behind them. Connecting them is a string with cups on each side. The woman in the purple sweatsuit is putting a cup to her ear, the woman in the blue sweatsuit is putting the cup to her mouth.

The Conversationalist Podcast is Back